Enough is enough

I have heard  couples refer to the term, ten-year plan in recent years.  What does that mean?  It's basically the waiting period where cowards like myself and my husband feel like we can wait it out until our kids are essentially old enough where a split would not be as detrimental to their childhood.  The plan assumes that once they have reached a certain age (in our case, 20 and 17), they are busy developing their own adult lives, and are hopefully less dependent on our foundation as a family.  In theory, that should work.  But the reality is, that foundation is a bit shaky isn't it?  What does that foundation look like for those 10 years?  If we are both counting the days?  And how does that really translate over to the posterity?  And yet, what are the alternatives?

I think my husband cannot stand the sight of me.  I think he is counting the minutes until I am no longer a part of his everyday life.  A divorce at these ages would certainly not facilitate that.  So staying together means he just tolerates me.  However, in cases where I try his patience, he has zero tolerance.  For example, when I forget something (all the time!) or misplace something(my keys) or just plain screw up (his cell phone on our trip to Arizona); his reaction is considerably more harsh than is reasonable.  Oh, I'm not saying he can't get angry with me, but there is a difference.  His reactions are quite far from those of someone who loves and accepts me-faults and all.  What I can't reckon, is whether it's my inherent character flaws that he hates so much the problem or does it just boil down to a basic lack of forgiveness, grace and compassion.  I remember that I once had to force myself to concede those very things in order to regain the once compromised feelings I had for him.  We have both been in each other's shoes, so-to-speak.  I don't advocate one of us is better than the other.  Perhaps I have just been there longer.  I have a few years on him when it comes to dealing with the pain of being let down and hurt by the one you love the most.  But I don't think so.  I don't think it will change.  And it scares me.  How does that really affect our kids?  Are we really doing them any favors?

I was getting dressed for a game, and my sweet friend Shelly was putting on my make up and doing my hair.  She kept going on and on about how beautiful she thought I was.  But I don't feel beautiful.  I never really have.  She went on to suggest that Paul thinks I am too-she says she can tell by the way he looks at me.  And I have not felt those gazes in so long that I am wondering if it was just a figment of my imagination.  How can others see something I do not feel?  And the strangest part is, I wasn't sure I felt that way about him either.  But then, out of nowhere, we were standing in the hotel lobby waiting on the elevator.  One of the housekeeping ladies was trying, unsuccessfully, to maneuver her cart into the elevator as a group of us just waited and watched.  After a couple of minutes, Paul took the cart gently and guided it with ease where it needed to go.  Then she looked up at him, and he just smiled.  Just a simple smile.

It was a smile I used to know.  One I have not seen for many, many years.  It actually took my breath away.  In that instant, he just looked like my Paul.  He looked so beautiful, so kind, so warm.  I  can hardly put it in words.  It was just that side of him I used to know that said, "I will take care of you.  You will always be safe on my watch."

Now I feel more like he is just existing to meet obligations and because he loves his boys.  And I understand that-I do.  I feel the same way sometimes.  And yet, I get these fleeting glimpses like that of what it used to be or what it could possibly still be, and I find myself wondering-are we just on the ten year plan now?  Are we just waiting it out until he can go find a younger, newer model-someone who has no mileage and who doesn't have the faults I do?  And I will go live in a condo in Aurora with a cat?

I don't know the answer to that.  I don't know a lot of things.  I do know that it is not what I want.  It is not the best option, even it if is the easiest one.  I do know that smile, and I would give anything to have it back.

Life's Irritating Mysteries

• So, if all the stalls are taken in a public restroom, it is acceptable to go ahead and use the handicapped stall.  Why is the same concept not okay for parking?  Especially if it is literally a quick trip and you have little kids in tow.
•  
• And speaking of parking, I hate when motorcycles take a parking spot.  And how irritating is it when some honking, hill-billy, dully truck takes up two spaces?  Or better, how about when you think there is a space, only to find that it is occupied by some tiny little car (like a smart car or a mini cooper). 
• Why do people run marathons?  I really don't get it.
• Drive thru liquor store?  Why aren't there more?
• Could windshield wipers be designed to cover more ground?
• Why don't sleeping bags roll up nicely?  Why even bother with those tiny bags they give you.  What you need is a bungee cord.
• When I order bacon, it's usually 2 slices, and it's never crispy-ridiculous.  And in recipes, it's always 3 or 4 slices-what is the point?  I always double the amount required, and same with cheese.
• Why is there a size zero?  Seriously, that is just silly.
• If the black box on a plane is indestructible, then why not make the whole plane out of it?  Or how about cars?
• I saw a concert a few months ago.  I don't go to them very often.  I knew I was getting old when it started to annoy me that there had to be so many encores.  Can we just go from start to finish?  What's with the encores?
• Why are old people always so early?  Especially to the airport.
• I like sushi, but I never crave it.  I mean, I have never though to myself, "man, I am starving, what I wouldn't give for some raw fish, wrapped in seaweed and sticky rice".  I am more likely the cheeseburger and fries girl.  I just don't get it.
• Why are there about 1000 options for toothpaste in the grocery store? 

Unexpected surprises

When I first thought about the Lake Powell trip, I had it in my mind that it would be something similar to a weekend getaway in the mountains only on a lake. Well, I was quite off the mark. It was more than I could have ever imagined. It was such a unique and wonderful experience. It was everything and nothing I thought it would be at the same time. 

It never occurred to me that 12 people would be living on a boat together in close enough proximity that if you don't have a good mix, you could be getting into a lot more than you bargained for. Fortunately, it was a great mix for us. It felt like family almost immediately. I can't believe how lucky we got. But then I have been feeling that way about this ever-so-miraculous friendship with the Weisners for such a long time, that I am coming to realize it is neither luck nor an accident.

This amazing family is a gift from God to me. Ironically, this friendship started so tenuously as it was rooted in a previous failed friendship. I was so broken about it still and really wrestled with this incredible discovery. I was so excited when we found Declan. I had no idea it would blossom like it has, not just Jackson and Declan; but also for Tyler and Liam; Dan and Paul; and Shelly and me. I was still nursing my own guilt for costing my son his best friend. I felt like God was giving me a second chance. I just had to figure out a way to keep my own indiscretions from screwing this one up.

What I hadn't counted on was Shelly. She was the easiest person to get to know. And when it came down to it, my admission to her about why I had cost my Jackson his best friend was a no-brainer. Here I thought I would never admit that, but somehow I knew it was right. She accepted me for the lost soul I had become. I lived next door to someone for almost 10 years, our kids were inseparable, and yet I never really knew her. She always had her guard up. But in a few short months, I felt like I could totally see Shelly's heart. She knew my worst faults, and still she showed my love and compassion, and even welcomed me into her life. It blew me away. I really expected her to run from me.  Who wouldn't have?  I would have completely understood.  But she didn't. She stayed. She gave me hope.

Over a year later, I am thinking about all the little blessings that have been given to me like Shelly. The fact that I lost my job, my dream job as a fitness instructor materializing, the fact that I have been so humbled and humiliated, having to reach way out of my comfort zone, scratch and claw to save my marriage, and face my worst fears-all of these things are part of the plan. I have decided to forgive myself today. I have gotten the message, and I put it on the cross tonight. Sooner or later, we all have to look in the mirror. I want to love the reflection again. I want to believe I am still a good person. I want to understand that sometimes we fall down so that we can stand up. I want to appreciate the things God has done in my life, the good and the difficult. I want to have courage and strength were I have felt weakness and fear for so long. And I am doing it. Every hour, every day, every week. And it is so hard. But I am doing it.

Isaiah 40: 28-31 continues to find me in so many things I do...

The LORD is the everlasting God,

the Creator of the ends of the earth.

He will not grow tired or weary,

and his understanding no one can fathom.

29 He gives strength to the weary

and increases the power of the weak.

30 Even youths grow tired and weary,

and young men stumble and fall;

31 but those who hope in the LORD

will renew their strength.

They will soar on wings like eagles;

they will run and not grow weary,

they will walk and not be faint.

Things that will never be said

In my house, this is the kind of stuff I would love to hear sometimes, but never do.....

Oh, it's okay, you go ahead and take a break, I got it


Have I ever told you how much I appreciate you?


Sure your family has it's things, but doesn't everyone's?  It's not like you can do anything about it.


If it makes you happy, then I am on board.

I think it's great how much you love your Ipad.  That's why I got it for you.  We all have different ways of checking out, mine is watching TV.


Why don't you pick the movie this time?


How about we do something for you tonight?


I don't really like group x classes but I know how much you love it and how happy it would make you for me to show an interest in it, so I am going to try one


You look so tired, why don't you take a break. I will fix dinner and put the kids to bed.


Let's take Jake for a walk.


Sure, I can take both boys to practice/games.


I am going to spend one entire day focusing on the things about you that I love, instead of picking at you about your flaws.


I know you are a stay home mom but that doesn't mean I value you less, or that I think I am more important.  The job of raising kids and taking care of our family is vital.


Move over closer to me so we can cuddle.

No reason for calling, just wanted to say hi and see how your day is going.


You sure taught a bunch of classes today, how about a nice back rub?   


I need you to stretch me, but you don't have to do it right this second. And then afterward, how about I stretch you.


How about you sleep in, and I will get up?
I love you so much. I would do it all again

The hardest thing in the world....

If I could say the words

Ever just want to start a conversation with someone that you just know will go badly? So you just bottle it up and don't say a thing. There is a lot of power in words-and maybe even more in silence.  In fact, silence can be deafening. Many examples of this type of self control and strain come around on a weekly or at least monthly basis. It can be at work or with friends or mostly at home.

I am fairly confrontational. I speak my mind-and maybe to a fault. My husband is not. He expresses anger or frustration. He shows enjoyment and amusement. And the more light-hearted, the more likely. But when it comes to matters of the heart, he is a tight seal. Some of it is his upbringing, and some of it is just the man thing I guess. You would think after 20 years I would figure it out. And yet, I sit here tonight wanting so desperately to say something to him about how I feel.

I want to see I am sorry-as if it might help. I want him to know how much I hate that I have hurt him and other people I love.  I want to believe we will get past it.  I want to tell him I love him as much as I did 20 years ago when we met. I want to believe we can make the next 20 together. Even though I know these haven't all been easy years. I don't expect the next 20 will be either. But I sure hope they are with him.

The Blog

This is my own little diary. I call it talking to myself because that is pretty much what I am doing. Oh, I realize it is a public website. But seriously, who really wants to know what goes on in my head on a daily/monthly/yearly basis? Well, I was hanging out with my dear friend Michelle last night, and her take on it was rather moving. It seems she had happened upon some of her grandfather's letters (blogs of the day). And she was thrilled to be able to get just a little glimpse of the day to day things in his life. Especially now that he is gone. So just maybe a day will come when some form of my posterity has even a moderate interest in some of my babble.
I write when I am happy, and when I am sad. I write about things and people I love, as well as those that drive me crazy. I try to be honest and self analytical-I try and make sense of things as I work out my thoughts on a screen. I guess the reality is, it just makes me feel like I am getting things off my chest.
I have been trying very hard not to be a total downer around people. I can be suseptible to that sometimes. This blog helps me with that. And while Paul is downstairs glued to his relaxation device (a murder mystery and a Crown and Coke), I can be found up here hanging out with my thoughts. Some people like to read, or meditate, or like Paul, watch TV. I just like to hang with the keyboard.
Every once in a while, I think about trying to do this as a job-or at least as some form of income. But I am just not sure it could still serve that purpose if it became an obligation and no longer something I just do in my own space.
In any case, I hope someone someday can enjoy some of my rants. I know I have!