Job vs Career

I have often wrestled with the difference between these two things. I have had jobs, and I have also considered myself career oriented. But lately, I find that I am in an in-between area. I want to have a career, but if feels more like I just have a job. To me, a career means something fulfilling, interesting, enjoyable. A job just means showing up, going through the motions until you can leave. The trouble with meeting the criteria for a career-is whether or not you get paid-and how much. I LOVE teaching group exercise-and that just does not pay the bills. I would love to stay at home with my kids more-which also does not pay. I have a job that pays (at least better than those options); and it does not even come close to matching up with my list. So, the conundrum continues.

I am not sure what the answer is. The go-getter in me has shifted. I am not so sure what I want to go get anymore. I used to be so eager to do anything just to prove myself and I really believed I could do anything. I am not feeling it so much lately. My husband would say to this, "stop being so pathetic-grow a backbone". And I can see that, but I have lost my way. I struggle with what I want to be when I grow up-and I am turning 40 in a few weeks! I don't expect my husband to understand-he just isn't built like I am. I guess what it comes down to is the fact that I am just plain scared. I have never been so scared of letting people down. I want to take care of my kids, hold up my end of things with my husband, do a good job at work, all that stuff.....I just haven't been able to do it.

Spring Break in Texas

It's no secret that I am not a Southerner. While I do appreciate it's warm-hearted and very polite people, delicious recipes and sleepy paced, small town charm, I have also been on the receiving end of the harshness of being a foreigner in the deep south=not a good experience. All that being said, it was my idea this year to visit my husband's extended family in a relatively rural part of Texas known as Port Arthur (I often refer to it as Port Armpit). It is close to where Louisiana and Texas meet-just in case Texas wasn't hillbilly enough.

I have been there a couple of times before, once with my husband about 10 years ago, and then again in 2004 when my youngest was about 18 months old. It was EXACTLY the same this time. In fact, it resembled 1950 or 1960. The house we stayed in had one TV (no cable) with Gunsmoke, Archie Bunker and Bonanza reruns playing. There was no internet. There was one bathroom in the entire house-which of course had an ashtray in it. And speaking of ashtrays, I saw a man smoking in the bakery section of the grocery store-Bruce's. They still have stores named after people. I noticed there were no sidewalks in the town either-and lots of obesity. This probably goes hand in hand with the abundance of fried food items available at most restaurants. There was actually a fast food restaurant called, Donuts and Burgers. There were far more donut places than gyms-if there even were any gyms or rec centers. So, to say the least, it was quite a different experience than life here in the burbs of the oh-so-fit and pretentious Denver area.

While it was culture shock to me, I must admit, there were several things I found enviable about life in a slow-paced small town in rural America. People just don't seem as stressed out-people are so friendly and pleasant-and it's geniune. I never felt rushed. Life just seems more simple. And simple can be very good. The boys and I climbed trees-real trees, not the flimsy kind we have here in Colorado. Jackson and I were both on a limb that was at least 2 stories high. It was awesome. We hunted frogs and looked for four leaf clovers. We drove accross huge bridges and saw giant barges go underneath. We went crabbing. We visited people who had my son's pictures all over there homes. I never doubted this was a good trip to make despite my own misgivings about the South. It really was a good time.

Changes

I remember something a very wise man I worked for early in my career told me once, "Teri, the only thing that never changes around here is change". Steve Rubin was the CFO at Mortgage Plus at the time I was hired there in 1995. It was such a great job-I got to do all kinds of different things while I was there. Although I ended up getting laid off in 1997 (almost 3 years after starting); I probably learned more there than anywhere else I worked in that forsaken industry. The only other job I felt left a real mark on me was Long Beach Mortgage, where another man I respected very much (Tony Mango) said these words to me, "Well, Teri, if there is a job that is easy and pays 100k a year, please let me know because I will be first in line for it. What do you expect?" Those were years in my work life that I still had a ton of passion and excitement for what I was doing. I never really loved the mortgage business, I just liked learning new things-and it was a very dynamic industry, I liked being successful, for the longest time, I just did better and better. In fact, I never thought I could ever fail. After a terrible parting at Long Beach, I never had that feeling again at a job. I would come close at CAR. That job was more about the people than the job. I truly hated to leave that job, but I thought I had found a good opportunity at AST amidst a certain lack of a good situation in CAR. The market just could not support my salary much longer there. I am not so sure it would have mattered. In fact, the market isn't supporting mine here at AST either. I have wanted to be at home with my kids more and more as the years have gone by. Moms have told me again and again that the older the kids are, the harder it is to not be a presence in their lives. And I am seeing that.



I had to fight tears today as my 5 year old sat in the dentist chair (like his 7 year old brother a couple of weeks ago); and we found 2 cavities. The hygienist was good enough to point out all the plaque I am missing when I brush his teeth. which I don't do every day-b/c I am tired and lazy, I don't have my priorities straight. My 2nd grader is going through some kind of thing in school where his grades are slipping, he wants to quit sports, he gets very angry-he is just a different kid than he was 6 months ago. I can't help but think a lot of these things might still be happening if I was at home with them, but at least I could focus on them. I feel spread so thin some days. I just let them sit in front of the TV while I try and shift piles around the house so I can have some semblance of order. Then, I make some dinner neither of them will eat, then try and get the dishes done (or mostly done) and start the uphill battle of getting them to bed. I often get them all the way in their beds and they are just about out before I remember that we haven't brushed their teeth-which I often let slide. I realize this is the plight of many parents, and it's not all fun and games, but I have been wondering lately if there is some way I can merge these many weights on my shoulders so that maybe I could be more productive-both at home and at work. I wish I could just work part time. I am afraid to talk to my employer about it for fear they will just let me go. I am afraid we can't afford it. I am afraid if I stop working, I will lose validity and vitality. I am afraid Paul will turn into a giant ball of stress and nerves-who scrutinize my gas and grocery purchases with a monocle. I am afraid of change.

When did this happen?

I am like a broken record when it comes to how cute and sweet my oldest son was as a baby. He has always been tender hearted and so eager to please. But as he approaches the ripe old age of 8, he has gotten in touch with his bitter side. I wrote about how small he was last year, and he is still every bit as tiny. I wonder if that isn't playing a role in the attitude he has developed. He won't open up to me and tell me what is going on in his head, but it is clear from his actions that something has changed. This little kid who played baseball (and soccer and tennis and football and anything with a ball basically) with all his heart has recently decided he doesn't want to play sports anymore. He used to get nothing but 90 and 100% on assignments-now he is getting 60-80% on things. He used to be compliant and happy to be in our company. Now he wants to be on the couch in our basement, alone, for hours on end, watching shows that are not age appropriate. He is 8! I thought I had at least until 12 or 13 for this crap. So, now I have had to put parental controls on the DISNEY channel, yes, that's right, DISNEY. He has been watching Hannah Montanah, ICarly, Suite Life, Wizards of Waverly Place, Sonny with Chance-all are Disney or Nikelodean shows. All are about teenagers disrespecting authority-largely unsupervised and with little or no family structure. Jackson doesn't really like cartoons that much-he prefers shows that are not animated, but there just isn't much in between cartoons and this teenager garbage.



We did have a talk with his teacher, then a follow up with him that seemed to get through, but I can tell it's going to be a tough road getting him to open up. He is a very proud kid-he doesn't want to let anyone down, and he will risk letting himself down to avoid it.

Failure

You always pass failure on your way to success....~Mickey Rooney

So, this is the kind of day I am having. I have been working on this certification for 3 months now to teach a weight training class called Body Pump. I thought today would be my last round. After the initial training in December (which was really just boot camp); I was feeling pretty good about myself for having passed; only 3 or 4 of us out of 10 passed that phase. Then, after accumulating a ton of hours of practicing and co-instructing; we are to record a video of ourselves teaching this class for submission to the Body Pump Nazi's for final approval. For me, that video was this morning-at 6 am. Yes, I said 6 AM! ugh! Not my finest hour-but the very best instructor I know allowed me to teach his class which is at that time, and I know most of the people in there so it was comfortable (as comfortable as I can be at 6 AM doing something very awkward). He was a good enough friend to tell me at the end that I just didn't do good enough to pass. I didn't do horribly-I probably got a B or a C. In order to pass the assesment, though, you must get an A. I did not get an A. And I could tell it was hard for him-though I really appreciate him for it.

I suppose it was presumptuous to think it would only take one time. I have learned that most of my peers who are crazy enought to put themselves through this scrutiny do as many as 4 or 5 of these hideous videos before submitting a final one. And this makes me wonder what on earth Les Mills (that is the outfit behind these programs)is thinking? Must you torture people this much? Honestly, the people in class today got a great work out-and no one was in harm's way. Is it not possible to just have trainers come out and do the final; much like the preliminary training? I can tell you, that would make me far more comfortable. The whole camera experience was not pleasant.

There have been MANY times in this 3 month period that I have really questioned myself on going forward. This morning, for example, in the shower after the debacle, I really, really wanted to quit. But, like every other time I have felt that way-about a number of things, I always come back to the reality that failure is generally a necessary component of success. I should know this. I have met with failure many times. As a result, I know what success is, and I know how good it feels. I know how it is just something no one can take away-and only I can go out and get it. And I love it. Days like today, where it eludes me, I simply have to hang on to that.

No, it's not the biggest tragedy in the world-or even in my life. There are far more important things. However, these are the lessons in life that make me a little more gratuitous and stronger for the next challenge that comes along-and there will be another one. That much is a certainty.

Latest in irritating mysteries.....

Sometimes I make payments over the phone, or call my cell phone carrier to ask about promotions, etc. I always have to enter my 1000 digit account number and one of the 5 million passwords I have for everything before I ever get to a person or to the transaction I am trying to execute. Every time I get to that step, they ask me for all of it again. Why the hell do I have to enter it all-then tell the customer service rep all of it again? Ugh!


When I open those little Yoplait yogurts, is it totally necessary for them to blow up all over me? Are the contents in need of that much pressure. I hate that! And speaking of poorly packaged items, what's with juice boxes/pouches and yogurt sticks? Those things are messier than their predecessors.

Why don't Uggs come in half sizes? Seriously! These ugly, yet comfortable and functional shoes have become such a giant hit in our culture, could they not find a way to produce them in half sizes-you know they pay about a $1 a week in labor, and charge $200 a pair. Would shifting the sizing really make it impossible to make ends meet?

Doesn't it seem like you have a good hair day or two just as soon as you schedule an appointment for a haircut?

Itunes is the best and the worst thing ever created. I love the Ipod concept-and I am hopelessly addicted to it. However, the devices are downright disposable-they are good for a couple of years at best. And the Itunes library is a moving target. The new versions exist simply to make my life difficult. Now I understand we cannot risk the lifestyles of rock starts-heaven forbid they made a regular living. We have to ensure they can stay gozillianaires. So, the quest to keep the music industry from losing a penny is paved with the Itunes road of "would you like to download the new version now" and have no clue what you are doing until you get the hang of this one and then we will come up with a new one?

Holiday Road

We just took our boys on their first family ski trip. I have to admit, as someone who LOVES to ski, I was a little more than hopeful that we would pick them up from ski school and they would just come bouncing into our arms, dying to do it all again. Well, this was not the case. They were tired, cold, and hungry. Neither of them wanted to do it again the next day. I suppose this is to be expected. Still, sometimes you just think your own love and enthusiasm for things will be enough for your kids to embrace it as well. The jury is not out yet, they may end up loving skiing at some point in their lives-just not today. And that's okay. The real highlight of the trip was just being together as a family. I remember a ski trip like this when I was a 12 year old girl. In fact, it was also at Winter Park. I probably did not realize it at the time, but those are the kind of memories that stick with you. I hope when my kids are grown, they can reflect back on times like these and cherish them as much as their dad and I do.

There is a reason the movie Vacation was so funny. Anyone who has been on a family vacation knows exactly what it's like to endure tight quarters, hectic schedules, lines, over tired tempers, the constant bicker and banter over whose is whose, etc. And yet, these are the things our childhood is made up of-and we love it. Times have changed so much. Yesterday at breakfast, both my boys were on their handheld DS games, while my husband scrolled his Blackberry. I was thinking of sending him a text (from across the table) just to get his attention. And the boys got these fancy GPS systems strapped on to them at ski school. Regardless of all the changes in the world around us, some things are still the same. Family is still family.