Keep On Keepin On

There is something so simple, yet quite complicated about that little saying, "keep on keepin on"

Basically, it just means get up and show up to life everyday.  But that's not so easy.  It sounds like it, and some days it is.  But a lot of days, it is not.  There are days when I feel so strong, like I could take on anything.  Even if nothing goes my way, I will go down swinging and won't regret a second.  There are days that are just the opposite. Even if something good happens, I can't get out of my own way and stop dwelling on the dark side of things. 

Then there are the days in between-which is mostly where I spend my time.  How do I know when I am just spinning my wheels?  How do I know when it is really worth it?  to dig down deep and never give up?  Can I stop holding on to things that make me feel bad?  Can I find self forgiveness?  Find the bright side?  Have an open mind?  Appreciate the wins-accept the losses?  Can I make a change?  Take control?  Challenge myself?  Be courageous?  Take a risk?  Believe in myself?  Look at something in a different light instead of jumping to conclusions?  Forgive someone?  Break bad habits?  See hope and beauty even in times of trouble?

Of course these are rhetorical questions, but they can apply to so many things in my everyday life.  I know the list goes on and on.  I know how to answer these things in my life.  But I don't do it.  Many days, I just ignore it.  I know why too.  It takes so much more energy.  Everything worthwhile is harder to obtain.  I guess if it was easy, it may not be so fulfilling.  I have accepted that so many wrong turns and disappointments, while at the time where terrible, have gone on to serve a bigger purpose in my life. 

So, what to do when at a crossroads, or when not sure how to go on?  I guess you just keep on keepin on....

The Rhetorical Question

Both Sides Now

Bows and flows of angel hair and ice cream castles in the air
And feathered canyons everywhere, i've looked at clouds that way.
But now they only block the sun, they rain and snow on everyone.
So many things i would have done but clouds got in my way.

I've looked at clouds from both sides now,
From up and down, and still somehow
It's cloud's illusions i recall.
I really don't know clouds at all.

Moons and junes and ferris wheels, the dizzy dancing way you feel
As every fairy tale comes real; i've looked at love that way.
But now it's just another show. you leave 'em laughing when you go
And if you care, don't let them know, don't give yourself away.

I've looked at love from both sides now,
From give and take, and still somehow
It's love's illusions i recall.
I really don't know love at all.

Tears and fears and feeling proud to say "i love you" right out loud,
Dreams and schemes and circus crowds, i've looked at life that way.
But now old friends are acting strange, they shake their heads, they say
I've changed.
Something's lost but something's gained in living every day.

I've looked at life from both sides now,
From win and lose, and still somehow
It's life's illusions i recall.
I really don't know life at all.

This is one of those songs I play when I am alone in the car.  There is something so melancholy about it.  I heard it when I was a young girl-maybe 12 or 13.  I liked it then, but I didn't know why.  I have always had very ecclectic taste in music.  It was not unusual for me to listen to a song like this-and then listen to Iron Maiden and hour later. I remember thinking the words were different (I thought clouds was clowns).  But even the words I understood-I really didn't understand.  Although the overall concept of seeing the bright side and the down side of everything is nothing new.  What was so different for me then from now-is perspective.  I have now lived enough and screwed up enough in my life to understand the true meaning of both sides.
Clouds were something as children we made into shapes...ice cream castles in the air....feathered canyons everywhere
I think clouds represent that everlasting wonder and love affair we have with those tings we can't explain.  It's that feeling that takes your breath away when you see a beautiful sunset, or hear the ocean waves crash down, or look off into the distance and see mountains or rolling hills or praires.  It's just a peaceful feeling.  Although you don't have to be a child to feel it, it seems as an adult we are far more likely to see that they block the sun, cause rain and snow....
And I have been that adult, but I don't want to be anymore.  I want to see  bows and flows of angel hair again.

Love was something that made you dizzy like a farris wheel; a fairy tale that comes true.
I wish I could bottle this feeling and keep it with me forever.  But love has a way of fading.  That exhilarating feeling of new love is unmistakable and irreplaceable.  It really does feel like you are going to explode.  There is no reproducing it.  And most everyone has had great pain caused by great love.  As adults, we are often jaded by the shattering feeling of that intense high turning into an intense low.  As children or young adults, we are more naive about it; and more willing to throw caution to the wind just to chase that incredible high.  As we age and experience some bumps and bruises along the way, we become more guarded.  People we love will hurt us, they will let us down...its just a show and if you care don't let them know.  The challenge is not be so scared of the pain, that we forego the pleasure.  It is my hope that love will always run through my veins-even when my hopes are shattered and my faith is tested.

Life was full of dreams and feeling proud
I can remember a time I never thought I could fail.  I thought I could do anything-I was confident, faithful, resilient, energetic, inspired-just full of life.  My career was productive, my marriage was so strong, my faith in God was solid, my fears were minimal.  I never worried about what mysteries life held, and what was yet to come.  I was ready to take on anything.
Sure, I had been through tough times, experienced adversity and weathered some storms.  However, once I reached about 35, all that changed.  So many things I never thought could happen to me-did happen.  And my entire 30's I spent picking myself off the floor only to get knocked down again.  Make no mistake, I was not always a victim.  I had plenty to do with things getting  broken-still do.  And I know that the trials aren't over.  I will face many more in my life.  The most profound lyrics to this song:  something's lost and something's gained in living every day.  I want to find that 20 something version of myself again.  I want to believe I haven't fallen too far to love.  I know I can still be that person-it never went away completely.  It just got misplaced. 

So, are these things just illusions when we are feeling all the good stuff?  That is more of a cup half empy or a cup half full type of rhetorical question.  That changes for me from time to time.  However, I believe it to be half full more often than not.  But I am chosing to look at things from this perspective:

Nowruz President Obama Celebrates Persian Holiday Nowruz IN ARABIC

This is an interesting perspective from a President whom has noticeably changed his attitude toward Iran and its leadership in the last 12 months.  I am not terribly active in following these events-however, from time to time I get an earful from my dad.  That is also especially odd since I really don't think he considers me a fellow Iranian.  Anyway, he showed me this clip, and I noticed as he watched and listened, there were tears forming in his eyes.  At that moment, it could have been a clip on people protesting peanuts, and I would have found it compelling.