Friday, May 14, 2010

Don't Let Me Go

There's some things we don't talk about

Rather do without

And just hold the smile

Falling in and out of love

Ashamed and proud of

Together all the while

You can never say never

Why we don't know when

Time and time again

Younger now than we were before

Don't let me go

Don't let me go

Don't let me go

Picture you're the queen of everything

As far as the eye can see

Under your command

I will be your guardian

When all is crumbling

Steady your hand

You can never say never

Why we don't know when

Time time and time again

Younger now then we were before

Don't let me go

Don't let me go

Don't let me go

We're pulling apart and coming

together again and again

We're growing apart but we pull it together

pull it together together again

Don't let me go

Don't let me go

Don't let me go

I am not sure what this song really means. I feel like if I read it at different times, it changes for me-and I am sure for anyone else too.

For today, I am thinking it talks about relationships such as a marriage. They can have lots of bumps and bruises. Some that involve embarrassment and shame. I know about these. They can also be a source of great pride; I know about these too. Younger now means we are continually learning new lessons. We get these ah-a moments. I don't believe any long term relationship exists without it. They all have moments when it is falling apart. Sometimes, we pull it together, sometimes we don't. The plea I hear in this song is the one I believe in. Don't give up. Pull it together. That seems to be the hard road. I know there are days when it would just be easier to let it go. I can see how that happens. I just don't want that to be me.

Monday, May 3, 2010

And the truth shall set you free

Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it......Mark Twain

What makes good people do bad things? I have done things I am ashamed of. As I search within myself to figure out why and how to pick up the pieces from here, I am reminded that I have to be courageous and brave. I have to own my actions and accept my consequences. And that is so hard. I realize that being at rock bottom is not something that has never happened before, and maybe it will happen again. I do believe that people are not defined by the wrong doings in their lives, but how we react to them. Am I going to be a coward and run from it? Am I going to be strong and fight for those that I love? It is impossible to know the outcome right now but I do believe that what comes of my mistakes will ultimately lead to the right place. I cannot hide from it anymore.

Love is a curious thing. I have loved the same person almost half of my life. I expect to for the rest of my life. And I believe he loves me. However, the fact that we love each other does not secure that our actions will always be consistent with that love. Sadly, it does not guarantee that we will remain together. Compatibility and love do not always go hand in hand. While you can work together to find it, you both have to want it. And so it goes. Maybe you come through and it can be fixed; or maybe it won't. I don't believe that changes the love you have for one another. I am not sure there is a cure for that.

And being sorry does not bring forgiveness. In time, maybe the hurt fades. In time, maybe it gets easier. I have a lot more unknowns today than certainties. I wish so badly I could fast forward and see that everyone I love will be okay. My greatest hurt came from someone I loved deeply, and it was so hard to overcome. But what I am finding is that in hurting someone I love-it is not even in the same universe of pain. I feel so much worse than I did as the one who was hurt.

Once the truth is out, then the healing process can begin. For that I am free. I take some comfort in that as odd as it is. I don't know what happens from here. I just have to rebuild my integrity and my character. I am not sure how to even do that. I don't think there is a clear roadmap. I just know I have to do it. I have to stay strong and be thankful that God will forgive me even if no one else can.