Saturday, January 12, 2013

Too sick for too long

I have had one of those years where about every two months, I get sick...really sick.  It makes no sense-I eat fairly well, I exercise, I drink tons of water.  I don't do drugs or smoke.  I hardly drink.  I sleep plenty.  Overall, I am pretty darned happy.  And then my friend Betsy asked me a few questions that gave me great insight.  First, she asked me if I had a favorite room in my house.  hmm...that got me thinking-
Bathrooms-Unappealing work
Family room-guilty
Laundry room-frustration
Living/Dining room-waste of space
Upstairs-kids rooms-undone
Spare room-Company is coming
Which brings me to my room-my favorite room:  specifically, my bed

And that is where I was laying at the time she asked me that.

Then she made a reference to a spiritual lapse such as guilt or unforgiveness of some kind.  hmmm...that really got me thinking.  Now, the obvious guilt issues I have battled for 3 years have started to subside.  And in its places, I have found all new levels of guilt.  Like my sister who is currently battling poverty, depression, poor health, failed relationships, loss of identity, the list goes on and on.  My sweet friend Michelle Watwood.  She is a single mom, barely hanging on to a job she hates, in an unfulfilling relationship with a man she loves dearly who does not love her even close to as much.  My brother, whom I consider one of my best friends, is alone, and has gone through hell in the last few years in his career.  My kids miss him terribly.  Tyler cries at least every other day.  I don't value or treat my mom and dad as much as I should  They are loving, good people, and I don't make enough time for them.  IU can be so negative sometimes, it's shameful.  I can't turn on the TV or read an article without feeling like so many people have it so much worse than I have it.  And these are just the things that jumped to mind within five minutes.  

Why do so many people have it so much worse than I do?  Shouldn't I be the struggling like these many people I love dearly are?  Instead, I am paid to do a job I LOVE!  I have the luxury of sitting in my bed for days when I am ill.  I live in a beautiful house, and have a beautiful and loving family.  I keep getting sick, and my friends and family rally to support and care for me.  And many, many people are getting through much worse than I am with far less or nothing.  Carrie has no one-no family, no support-barely even has a husband right now.  Tammi is raising four kids alone while her idiot husband is acting like a 17 year old.  Holly is nursing a broken heart, and raising four kids alone.  

And Paul was the recipient of my nastiness for the last 3 days as a result of one of my losing battles with being sick.  I have been nothing but ungrateful and snappy and bitchy with him.  And all he has done, is all he can do.  For that, I have shown no appreciation.  He is working a job he hates to support us.  He loves food, sex and football right now more than anything-pretty easy orders to fill.  So why can't I just shut up and be a good wife.  He isn't asking that much I suppose.  And that's kind of another blog item....I am getting off the subject.

So, as I am working my way back to the wellness side of my life, I am considering digging deeper for a cure to what ails me.  Guilt is a powerless, helpless feeling.  And I dwell in it all the time.  I still don't think other people suffering will ever sit okay with me.  That pain is not something I know how to alleviate.  However, I need to focus on accepting, embracing and appreciating my own blessed life.  Squandering away my own health and well-being is not going to fix broken lives of people whom I love.  Maybe my ability to do that will make a bigger impact.  I can help everyone, I can't change things that make me sad.  I have to do a better job of understanding that.  

My favorite Christmas present

 I am so happy about my kitchen gadgets.  I know some women would not appreciate things like a food processor for Christmas.  But I am not one of them!  I am telling you, my new Breville Sous Chef food processor is the GREATEST gadget I have ever gotten as a gift.  

I am just delighted by it.  Even looking at it now makes me want go use it for something. My sweet husband and brother and mom (I think) all went in on this mother of all food processors.  I am so lucky to have these people who take such great care of me.  And in turn, I will take care of them.  I can make so many lovely treasures with this machine.  More than I even know of yet.  My only concern is its height makes it hard to store in my kitchen in plain sight.  Why would I want it in plain sight?  Because every time I walk in my kitchen, I can see it.  I even love the cord.  It's so modern looking.  

So, a giant thank you to my beloved family.  No gift is better than you....