Wednesday, November 10, 2010

The hands of time

Is it just me, or does it seem like time flies? I was going through my spices the other day-and canned goods, and some of the expiration dates made me seriously question my housekeeping skills. Time is really a fleeting thing. I sometimes feel all 40 of the years I have aged. And other times, it seems like the past was just a minute ago. I can remember being a little girl with pig tails, I remember random details from high school and college. I remember early days of marriage and my boys as newborn babies like no time has passed.

Christmas time is a big reminder of how time can change things for me. I loved it as a kid. I loved Christmas lights and the smell of fresh trees. I loved the anticipation of gifts and time off from school. As an adult, I enjoy my kids and I enjoy the spirit of giving and kindness, but honestly, I also feel a ton of anxiety. I worry about paying for everything-about meeting all these deadlines and commitments, about letting people down. I wish it wasn't so commercial. I wish I didn't feel so much pressure.

At its core, Christmas is a celebration of the birth of our savior. I never knew how much I needed a savior when I was a kid. I just thought Jesus was someone who was very nice to people-especially children-for no reason. I learned early on that people can be terribly unkind for no particular reason so Jesus seemed that much more intriguing to me. I didn't even have to earn His love and kindness. I wasn't raised Christian but every chance I got, I took the opportunity to learn about it. I always felt comfortable praying and at most of the churches I went to. It's as if we all had cloaks on that hid all our imperfections. No one seemed to care about the things I battled daily at school or at home. Everyone was just there to connect with Christ. I liked that, and I still do. And back then, my sins were much more simple.

This Christmas in particular, as I look over a troubled year in my life, and I think about what Christ is trying to say to me. My life has been such a shambles this year. I have screwed things up in about every way a person can. My first reaction is that I am just a failure-and that He is getting sick of bailing me out. But I have been thinking more on it, and what He is really saying is that I am worth the fight. I am worth saving. We all are, but I am hearing it loud and clear personally. I think years like this represent the true meaning of the sacrifice He made. It gives me some perspective. It tells me to keep going. And I don't always want to. Some days I just want to concede. I am not worth the trouble, I am a lost cause. But then I look at all the blessings in my life and I just know He is up there pulling for me.

I read a quote walking through a bookstore last month. It said,
"When you are going through hell......keep going"

And I liked it. I think it says a lot with very few words. It is what Jesus would say if He was standing here, and I know. He really wants me to keep going-not to give up on myself. And I am trying so hard.

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