Saturday, May 14, 2011

If I could say the words

Ever just want to start a conversation with someone that you just know will go badly? So you just bottle it up and don't say a thing. There is a lot of power in words-and maybe even more in silence.  In fact, silence can be deafening. Many examples of this type of self control and strain come around on a weekly or at least monthly basis. It can be at work or with friends or mostly at home.

I am fairly confrontational. I speak my mind-and maybe to a fault. My husband is not. He expresses anger or frustration. He shows enjoyment and amusement. And the more light-hearted, the more likely. But when it comes to matters of the heart, he is a tight seal. Some of it is his upbringing, and some of it is just the man thing I guess. You would think after 20 years I would figure it out. And yet, I sit here tonight wanting so desperately to say something to him about how I feel.

I want to see I am sorry-as if it might help. I want him to know how much I hate that I have hurt him and other people I love.  I want to believe we will get past it.  I want to tell him I love him as much as I did 20 years ago when we met. I want to believe we can make the next 20 together. Even though I know these haven't all been easy years. I don't expect the next 20 will be either. But I sure hope they are with him.

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