I am not sure I like this aging thing. My 39th birthday is very soon. And I am not all that excited about it. Why? It's like I can hear the final jeopardy music ticking for the countdown to 40 (complete with a smug, "I know the answer" Alex Tribec face). I know it should not really bother me-aging is only natural, but it does. It's different for women too. As men age, they actually improve. As most men are just giant children anyway, the aging process is a welcome one. The difference between a boy and a man is quite appealing to me -however long it may take.
For women, on the other hand, it seems we start losing ground. Things that used to come easy for me are so much harder as I get older. It's no longer about losing weight-it's more about not gaining it. I now see a much bigger difference when I wear make up and when I don't. Gray hair seems to be winning the war. But these are just physical battles.
Beneath the surface, I fight the urge to ponder where I am in life and whether it is where I thought I would be or should be or want to be. Decades tend to make me reflect on such things. I do dislike the hottness factor disspating-but not nearly as much as the self doubt that accompanies looking behind me to see what I have been doing for all these years. Would I do it different? Should I make some big change now?
I am sure we could all look back at defining moments and wish we had done it differently. Basically, who doesn't have a few regrets? Life is full of decisions-and most of the time, we know without a doubt when we make the right one. We know right from wrong. We know when we are doing things that are impulsive. We know when we are making a sacrifice. Years later, those things become even more clear.
I wish I had worked harder in college. I was blessed with the ability to get good enough grades without killing myself which is exactly what I did. It makes me wonder how well I would have done if I had tried harder. I also wish I had gone to law school. I think I would have made a good lawyer.
I wish I had kept up with speaking Farsi. I had good reasons for burying that side of my identity at the time, but I reget it anyway. I long to speak to my dad and my Iranian side of the family in Farsi.
I wish I had kept up with teaching aerobics. That one may be fixable as I recently signed up to get certified again. That is definately something I should keep up on. It is very liberating to me to work out-and ultimately, I want to pick the music.
I wish I would have nursed Tyler for longer. I don't know why, but I always feel like he got ripped off a little.
I wish I had been a better wife when I was trying to figure out how to be a good mommy. I believe I have paid the price for that though, so I will just leave it at that.
I should have gone to Nanny's funeral. I hate that I didn't get to say goodbye.
I wish I hadn't screwed things up so badly at my favorite job I ever had. My career has never really been the same. Again, I look back at my reasons, and I had the very best of intentions. But, I should have gone about it differently. I will probably always regret that decision.
My life has had some significant turning points. And I have lived long enough now to understand that those things shape and mold the person I am. And as I face yet another year on the calendar, I just try and make sense of it.