Thursday, September 6, 2012
I don't know
It is such an uncomfortable feeling when you don't know the answers. My kids think I know everything, but I feel like the meter is running until they figure out that I really don't know everything. My oldest is in the 5th grade, and I am already struggling to help him with homework. Even if I can figure it out, I don't do it the RIGHT way. You would think some things would never change-long division, fractions, etc. Though the answers do, now the methods of getting there look different, therefor rendering me even more of a dinosaur.
But that's just the beginning. I cannot explain things like war, child abuse, birth defects, poverty or wealth, cruelty to animals, natural disasters, cancer and other diseases, etc.
Sometimes I glad I don't know. Maybe I just don't need to know. An now it reminds me of a post I read on another blog a long time ago-before I started writing this one. I do know one thing: I know why people love babies so much.
You do not have to know the answers with babies. Sure, you have no idea what you are doing most of the time, but the baby doesn't realize that. And sure, you are sleep deprived and smell like spit-up; but you do not have to explain why he/she was not invited to a birthday party, or why the other kids make fun of you, or why people get divorced, or what an alcoholic is, or why people are not always nice. There are times you can just hold your baby; and it is as if time stands still. I was a working mom when mine were little like that, so my most cherished moments were often in the middle of the night or early hours of the morning when I did not have to share. Times when I felt like I knew all the answers-at least at that moment in time. Watching my little boys sleep while I held them gave me a comfort that did not leave me questioning anything.
An naturally, as my two little boys grow up, that has gradually slipped away. In its place is a whole lot of uncertainty and insecurity. I wonder how I will manage some days. Will they be okay? Will they lead fulfilled lives? Will my best efforts be enough? Will my mistakes leave a mark? Will Jackson grow eventually? Will Tyler be comfortable around strangers? I hate not knowing.