Friday, September 7, 2012

Friday blues

A job is usually something people get paid to do that they would otherwise NOT do.  The degree to which the task is involuntary and undesirable is directly in line with how much people get paid.  I do realize that is not a very positive outlook, but some days I just don't feel like being so positive.

One of my good friends (Michelle) was demoted today because she didn't pass a Series 6 or S or some other stupid insurance license.  It was one of 3 tests-she passed 2 of them.  The real irony is she was the top producer in her branch this month.  She is one of the brightest people I know, hard working and honest to a fault.  Unfortunately, she is not a suck-up, and does not have a fake bone in her body.  While I respect that about her, I suppose in the ugly,corporate landscape where most of live , it is something she probably needs in her arsenal at times.

I got the memo about life being unfair, and I suppose stories like hers can just be filed in the "reality" column.  Right next to my husband who is stuck in a job he cannot stand. By stuck, I mean, he does not want to leave, and he does not want to stay.  Somehow, his job went from something he did to subsidize playing to something that defines him.  As men get older, the rules change.  Now his boss expects him to eat, sleep, breathe Comcast.  When did that happen?  We all knew those guys earlier in our careers-that guy who brought his pager to social events; loved to name-drop, wore that stupid blue tooth just to look important.  I couldn't stand that guy.  And yet, now, on the back nine of life, it seems that guy will come out ahead.  Paul has always been so above that, like my friend Michelle.  I just can't make sense of it.

Another mystery to me is the whole "it's not you, it's me" line.  I was recently given that line by someone I thought was one of my closest friends.  It seems our sons seeing less of each other will benefit her family somehow.  By them seeing less of each other, I mean she requested a change of teacher for her son so they would not be in the same class.  As much as I want to believe and understand the reasons, I cannot escape the elephant in the room~what she wanted less of was me.  I don't know how else to interpret that.  Not only efforts to minimize our sons interactions, but also the unmistakable lack of interest in me has been very hard to overlook.  It's not business as usual, it feels completely different.  I don't feel welcome anymore; I don't feel close to her at all.  Her son's birthday party was the following week (naturally); and I noticed there was plenty of room in her car for such socioeconomic equals as the heirs of the Coors dynasty and fellow "village" residents.  But when I asked about my boys being able to ride from school to the party, I got the whole-"sorry, all full up".  That would have been true if they hadn't driven 2 cars.  And if the last two years hadn't almost always meant our kids would ride together.

Do I sound like a 3rd grade girl who got told she couldn't sit at the special table at lunch anymore?  Well hell yes I do.  And that's how I feel.  I'm not particularly proud of that.  And I have been here before, probably more than I want to remember.  I am too sensitive, and I know that.  And if I could flick a switch to change that, I certainly would.  But I am the way I am.-the good, the bad and the ugly. And if I am no longer supposed to be a part of that family I had come to love so much, then so be it.  I cannot control that.  I just don't want my kids to constantly be paying the price for my shortcomings and mistakes.  They are both such great kids-and they will be just fine.  I just keep hoping they don't figure out what failure I have turned out to be.

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