The Yellow Leaf

This is the Mangrove Tree. I was recently in Key West, Florida, and I learned that this is the only plant that is indigenous to the area. Everything else was imported. The reason this tree was the lone life form prior to inhabitants of this lush, beautiful place, is because there is no fresh water source here. The only source of water (prior to the commercialization) was salt water. And this magical tree had a unique way of turning that salt water into fresh water: the yellow leaf. These designated leaves soak up all the salt water, allowing the rest of the tree to have fresh water. As the leaf gets saturated with salt, it turns yellow, then dies; and is replaced by another one. What an interesting concept.....


The plant kingdom isn't the only example of this type of sacrifice. Military, fireman, policeman, and many types of volunteers come to mind. It is a very special quality to be sacrificial. Jesus is the largest example of this very selfless act. And like any martyr, there are always people who do not appreciate it.

Exfoliate

spread by opening the leaves of

cast off in scales, laminae, or splinters

remove the surface, in scales or laminae

come off in a very thin piece

grow by producing or unfolding leaves; "plants exfoliate"

In my ripe old age of 40 (I am still getting used to that), I have gotten a little carried away with this whole exfoliating process. I had my first "microderm" abrasion treatment last month. The technician told me that as we age-our skin doesn't turnover the dead flakes as quickly so it is important that we exfoliate. And I have been doing just that-senselessly and relentlessly.

I have also found that there are some other areas of my life that could use some exfoliation. I suppose it is time I started thinking about what I am eating. In general, things that I crave are probably things I should not eat. I need to pay more attention to my caloric intake-and start eating the right foods. Ugh! As much as I exercise, there is no getting around this.

I also carry around some dead layers in my professional life. I have to find a way to remove that layer and get a fresh perspective-either do something new, or get a new attitude about what I am currently doing and do a better job. The only way to grow here is to remove those pieces. There is probably some scar tissue there from previous failures in my career, but I need to brush that off just like a skin treatment.

I have some friendships that have been exfoliated as well. Ever think someone is such a good friend and then it turns out that really wasn't the case? I have been on both sides of that lately. I let someone down who I thought was a great friend and in my search as to how I could do that, I realized she really wasn't a great friend. In fact, it was a very one sided relationship. I was always trying to gain her approval and acceptance, and she always kept me "at a distance" as she put it. She kept her guard up. I suppose on some level, I always knew that, and it really didn't feel that good. I noticed how I never got invited to anything with her, my calls/emails were always low on the priority list of being returned-if they ever were. I look back now and find that the only time I was even an option for her was if there wasn't a better one. And yet, I would have done anything for her. It is still every bit as sad that the friendship is a total loss. It does not make it better that I let her down, but it does make me see things a little clearer. People are not always what they seem.

And in my home life, there are lots of layers. After all, 19 of my 40 years have been with this man-my spouse, my friend, my critic, my fan, my playmate, my lover, my soul mate, my confidant, my nemesis, my other half, my co-parent, my partner, my everything... In those many years, lots of things have built up-and it's time to start working at clearing those. Oh we have been here before, and we have worked very hard at it, so I know it can be done. But, just like my 40 year old skin, it doesn't just stay done. You have to keep doing it. That can be so hard-especially with all the other demands on us from outside places. And I know he just wants to throw up a white flag sometimes in fear that it will never be done. And he is right, it won't. There will always be layers to exfoliate. Some worse than others. But that is just the process of aging-in chronology and in relationships. Really, in everything. It's the only way to grow and move forward. Neither of us is the person we met in May of 1991. We won't be the same in 19 more years. But with the same level of effort-successes and failures, I want to believe we will still be together. I don't know where I am going with this actually, I just seem to be in the mode to clear away dead layers that make me feel old and ugly.

Don't Let Me Go

There's some things we don't talk about

Rather do without

And just hold the smile

Falling in and out of love

Ashamed and proud of

Together all the while

You can never say never

Why we don't know when

Time and time again

Younger now than we were before

Don't let me go

Don't let me go

Don't let me go

Picture you're the queen of everything

As far as the eye can see

Under your command

I will be your guardian

When all is crumbling

Steady your hand

You can never say never

Why we don't know when

Time time and time again

Younger now then we were before

Don't let me go

Don't let me go

Don't let me go

We're pulling apart and coming

together again and again

We're growing apart but we pull it together

pull it together together again

Don't let me go

Don't let me go

Don't let me go

I am not sure what this song really means. I feel like if I read it at different times, it changes for me-and I am sure for anyone else too.

For today, I am thinking it talks about relationships such as a marriage. They can have lots of bumps and bruises. Some that involve embarrassment and shame. I know about these. They can also be a source of great pride; I know about these too. Younger now means we are continually learning new lessons. We get these ah-a moments. I don't believe any long term relationship exists without it. They all have moments when it is falling apart. Sometimes, we pull it together, sometimes we don't. The plea I hear in this song is the one I believe in. Don't give up. Pull it together. That seems to be the hard road. I know there are days when it would just be easier to let it go. I can see how that happens. I just don't want that to be me.

Enough said

And the truth shall set you free

Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it......Mark Twain

What makes good people do bad things? I have done things I am ashamed of. As I search within myself to figure out why and how to pick up the pieces from here, I am reminded that I have to be courageous and brave. I have to own my actions and accept my consequences. And that is so hard. I realize that being at rock bottom is not something that has never happened before, and maybe it will happen again. I do believe that people are not defined by the wrong doings in their lives, but how we react to them. Am I going to be a coward and run from it? Am I going to be strong and fight for those that I love? It is impossible to know the outcome right now but I do believe that what comes of my mistakes will ultimately lead to the right place. I cannot hide from it anymore.

Love is a curious thing. I have loved the same person almost half of my life. I expect to for the rest of my life. And I believe he loves me. However, the fact that we love each other does not secure that our actions will always be consistent with that love. Sadly, it does not guarantee that we will remain together. Compatibility and love do not always go hand in hand. While you can work together to find it, you both have to want it. And so it goes. Maybe you come through and it can be fixed; or maybe it won't. I don't believe that changes the love you have for one another. I am not sure there is a cure for that.

And being sorry does not bring forgiveness. In time, maybe the hurt fades. In time, maybe it gets easier. I have a lot more unknowns today than certainties. I wish so badly I could fast forward and see that everyone I love will be okay. My greatest hurt came from someone I loved deeply, and it was so hard to overcome. But what I am finding is that in hurting someone I love-it is not even in the same universe of pain. I feel so much worse than I did as the one who was hurt.

Once the truth is out, then the healing process can begin. For that I am free. I take some comfort in that as odd as it is. I don't know what happens from here. I just have to rebuild my integrity and my character. I am not sure how to even do that. I don't think there is a clear roadmap. I just know I have to do it. I have to stay strong and be thankful that God will forgive me even if no one else can.

The Joy of Cooking

This is my birthday present this year. There was a time in my life when this might have offended me-a kitchen item. But today, it thrills me. I know it's just a pot but it's cast iron-it will likely outlive us all, it cooks everything and it is RED.

I do not consider myself a great cook...yet. I am just in training. I figure by the time my kids go to college, I will be-and it will be wasted on meals like Thanksgiving and Christmas. But I am a pretty good cook most of the time. I have a few recipes that I have really gotten down. I have learned a ton over the 17 years of being married and cooking for someone. I learned that fresh ingredients make a giant difference. I only use kosher salt and table grind pepper. Some short-cuts are fine but when it comes to grated cheese-always grate your own, it is a ton better. I love kitchen tools-especially my mixer and my food processor. Drinking wine and listening to my Ipod while cooking is therapeutic. And, a sous chef would be very nice!

I have also learned that my husband will eat ANYTHING, and rarely complains. At first it annoyed me that he expected me to cook-I thought it was rather degrading. I figured out after all these years though, it is how he feels loved. That is the only expression of love I have seen in the home he grew up in. I have never actually heard his parents tell him they love him-or each other for that matter. They just do things (acts of service) to show it. He is so very thankful to have a meal cooked for him-partly because the man just loves to eat, but also in part because I believe it makes him feel loved.

As a result, it has motivated me to get better and better at cooking for him. How do you get better? No magic pan, no magic cookbook-just plain ole practice. His mom told me that a long time ago. I am no longer in a hurry to be this great cook-just trying to open my mind to methods and techniques. And along with that attitude, I am slowly improving. Oh, and I have been adding great kitchen tools along the way. I don't plan to win any cooking contests or go on a cooking show (I am no Pioneer Woman); I just want to show my husband love the way he understands it.

I come from a place where we were very vocal and expressive so it did not come natural to me to express love through acts of service. But I am getting the hang of it, and it works! My husband is a different man when I make him something yummy for dinner. It lifts his spirits the way only someone loving you can. And I do love him.

I have a similar theory about cooking as I do with skiing. If you are a good cook/skier, then using the best of the best cookware/ski equipment will only make you better. However, if you suck at it, using the best stuff really won't help you. So, had I gotten this very fancy pan for a gift some 15 years ago-I might have been annoyed-and it probably wouldn't do me a bit of good in the kitchen either. I got married not knowing how to boil and egg. I also thought of cooking as sort of demeaning "woman's work". And as a working wife and mother, I did not embrace it right away. However, now I do. I don't find it demeaning at all. In fact, sometimes I hear my husband tell someone what a great cook I am, and it makes me feel so good. I had no idea how something so simple could make people so happy. I love it! And it has made a world of difference in my life.

Self medication

Last week I visited my doctor. I went in there seeking immediate medication for what I thought was surely pre-menopause because of inexplicable mood swings and insomnia. He said it was depression-which took me by complete surprise as I have been a pretty good mood for a very long time until just this last few weeks. I thought it was just my job wearing on me (I still think it may be the root). I did not have a lot of the common symptoms like not being able to get out of bed or sleeping all the time; or going on shopping sprees (that' s just because Paul would kill me). He concluded that I have been self medicating with all my gym jobs-which is why I have energy. As far as self medicating, it's not a bad one (better than smoking, drinking, drugs, etc) but it was only masking the fact that I need to try and regulate my serotonin levels. That being said, I don't' really have to give up my gym obsession as long as I can keep it in check.....

As a new instructor (relatively new); the way to get your own classes is to sub for other instructors. I don't mind being a sub in general but it does get old. Oh, it has its perks-like you can do it on your own terms, you can pick and chose times and places; you are helping someone out and he/she is always very grateful, and I have always won the crowd over by the end of class. But what I hate most is that first few minutes when people make the connection that you are the teacher-and not whomever it is they expected. It can be rather awkward. Now, as I have gotten more experienced, and sub'd for the same people over and over, it has gotten easier, but it is still much nicer to be the regular girl.

I teach now at 4 different gyms:



Highlands Ranch Rec Center-the first place I got hired. I feel so beholden to this place-even though it is not the best place to teach. This is not the same as a gym that people join voluntarily like the other places I teach. As a resident of Highlands Ranch, you have to pay dues, and as a dues paying resident, you are able to use the rec centers. The other places I teach-people are choosing to come and be members. Also, they pay the least (by a lot) per hour, the bikes are old, (although well maintained) the residents have to pay extra to take group x classes, and the classes are not well communicated. Lots of people I talk to don't even know where the spin room is (I was one of them before I started working there). It's hard to get a following at a place like this. It would cost someone about the same amount to get a pass for group x as it would to join a gym like 24 hour fitness. Still, though, there about a good 20 or so people I have seen over and over again-which makes me feel very good. My boss wrote in my review that she had gotten tons of great comment cards filled out about me. So, overall, I love teaching here.



Village Fitness-the second place I got hired. I love the social interaction with the members here and the other instructors (one of which is a very good friend of mine). But it is not a well run group x department-or gym for that matter. A new girl just took over the group x dept so maybe it will improve. I don't really think it will because it comes from the top. I doubt Teia (the previous group x manager) could have done much more. The owner is really only concerned with making money-which is fine; I realize he needs to make money, but it is to the detriment of the club. The equipment is in terrible condition-getting things maintained or even repaired is an act of congress; the group x program is more of an afterthought to him. He just cut the pay of all the instructors across the board. If he had a choice, I think he would axe it all and just have personal trainers charging $300 an hour. My class there got cancelled after 2 weeks of no one coming-largely because the time was 6:30 pm in a community of families and stay at home moms. The 5:30 classes do just fine. I tried to get them to move it since there isn't one that night but they just said wait until Jan-and now it's April and the summer schedule is going to be even leaner. So, now I just sub there, and that has been great because I love the other instructors and I generally sub for the same people so I have gotten to know them. I like the location too-it's about 9 or 10 minutes from my front door.





Colorado Athletic Club-Inverness-the third place I got hired. This is my favorite of the places I teach-although I have a terrible time slot-Thursdays at noon. The lunch crowd is very hit or miss-especially when the club is full of very affluent people-most of the women are trophy wives and the men don't do a ton of group x (cycle being the exception as most of my classes are about 50/50 men and women) I think the most I have had is 8, and I typically get between 2 and 4 participants. I wonder why they even offer a noon class. To make matters worse, the most popular instructor, Dawn, whom I often sub for, teaches right before me. Ugh! It is not easy to follow her. Her time slot and popularity just fill the room. However, I figure I just need to pay my dues at a place like this and get established. One of these days (probably a long time from now), I will get my own class and following there but in the meantime, I just take what I can get. This is a very well run gym-and I LOVE working here. They actually pay 75% of your continuing ed class expenses, support you in learning new formats, encourage you to participate in each others classes and training, and going ons at the club. It's just a very put together place. The location I teach at is one of the older ones, but I still love it. There is a brand new one downtown (Tabor Center)-where I am allowed to sub as well but I haven't been able to yet. That's another one I would like to work for-the people who run the group x depts are the best at this company. I just wish I could get a better time slot-and I suppose that will come in time.





24 Hour Fitness: the most recent place I was hired. I just got hired here a few weeks ago-and it is like working for a website. I don't know wth I am doing-everything is done on a website. I sent my manager (of which there are about 100) a note when I got my paperwork turned in to which she responded: "read your manual and pick up shifts!" You have to sub there for a long time before you can get your own class apparently. So, I read the manual-which is basically a step by step instruction guide on how to use the website. I picked up a couple of shifts. All this without speaking to a soul. I guess I will figure out the sound system and keys to the room,etc. when I get there? Who knows? I am just glad I survived the auditions for this damned gym. It was so gruelling. On my first audition, I basically got cut off-and Laura (the area manager) told me I had terrible technique-24 hour required a totally different format/training that I have not completed-Schwin's training. So, that didn't feel too good. But then, she called me the next week for some reason requesting a second audition. Hmm, interesting? But, naturally, when someone tells me I am not good enough, I just want to prove them wrong, so I went for a second one. Again, I was wondering to myself why I go through this scrutiny for a job that pays $20 an hour and gets me in trouble at work and sometimes at home. I don't even like 24 hour that much. Not surprisingly, Laura was very critical, and told me all the stuff I did wrong-albeit much improved from last time. She talked to me for a long time and told me she was torn with me because I am so green at teaching. But she said she really liked me and saw a lot of potential. In the end, she hired me. And now, I am just glad it's over with.