The path less traveled

I love this saying. This path has changed for me many times in the seasons of my life. I expect that it will again and again. Currently the path I am on, is one of redemption. I want so badly to be a good example to my kids, a good wife, a good friend. I have failed at all of those things. And mostly because I took the easier path-the one that's more traveled.

I am reminded of the famous words of Lt. Col. Frank Slade from his 1992 Oscar award winning performance in "Scent of a Woman"

Now I have come to the cross-roads in my life. I always knew what the right path was. Without exception, I knew, but I never took it. You know why? It was too damn hard.

I was 22 years old when I saw that movie. I thought I understood what he meant. I had no idea. Today, at 40, I understand. I, too, have taken the wrong path at times in my life-knowing exactly what the right path was. And yes, it was a lot easier. And now, I am dealing with the aftermath. Oh, there is always a consequence. I just have to keep at it, and stay on my path...

Why does it taste so bad?

I have never really questioned why remedies (medicines, shots, etc) taste so awful. They are just a means to an end. Vaccines, innoculations, surgeries, dental work. It all hurts-and for the same purpose: getting better. Another application, in my life specifically, would be exercising. Certainly it does not always feel good-while you are doing it-not even after all the time...but in time, results will favor those that stick through the pain. Childbirth is a another great example. An epideral is a great alternative to labor pains-but it sure isn't painless or pleasant. Often, trading a short term, painful, remedy, for long term sustainable results is just the path you have to take.

So, this is starting to sound like one of Paul's papers for his MBA..that's a whole other blog. But getting a degree/diploma/certificate is also something that can painstaking and slow-and void of short term gains. What am I getting at? Life is constantly reminding me that when I am faced with a tough situation-especially something rather painful, I need to hold on, have a little patience, perserverance and tolerance. Most of the time-if I survive, I will be better for it. One big paraphrase for "that which does not kill me makes me strong"

Bible Study

Okay, I will admit, the idea of going to Bible study did not exactly appeal to me before. That is, before the first one I went to-which was last fall (Aug 2010). It was with Beth Moore, and we studied the book of Daniel. Honestly, I went because my good friend Carrie told me she was doing it, and I felt more comfortable going with someone I know.

Carrie is one of those people that I just enjoy every minute with, and even when I feel like the worst person in the world, I just believe that her heart has room for me. I just don't feel like she would ever judge me or look down on me-even if she knew the worst. And it's hard to explain why. When she and I met, I remember thinking we were the most unlikely of friends. Our kids (her daughter, Grace, and my Jackson) were in kindegarten together. She seemed a bit reserved and even a little unfriendly. I realized quickly she was just shy and unsure of herself like the rest of us. Ever since that year, I have been lucky enough that our kids have been in the same class, so she and I have been able to grow closer and closer. And it always feels so simple/easy-she is just a kind soul, a good spirit and a warm heart. I love that she is as sensitive as I am ( I am certain she is as much of a crier in movies and sad stories), and she loves her kids and is committed to being a Christian-I look up to her. And even with all the things we have in common, we are so different as people. It's what makes our friendship that much richer I guess. I just love her. In any case, I would never have done the bible study without her, but I am infinately grateful to her.

I felt so intimated-even with Carrie (my comfort zone) there with me. I don't know the bible that well, I have not always been a good Christian. I looked around the room and saw all these beautiful people who seemed to be such good Christians. But as we progressed, and I listened to what Beth Moore had to say, it occurred to me that I was right where I was supposed to be. In fact, when Paul asked me one day why I was going, and what was I trying to prove-or fake even. I thought to myself-this is exactly where the broken go. Bible study isn't for people who are perfect, and if it were, no one would be there. Oh, I'm sure those lofty, judgemental types are there. But I know they don't get as much out of it as people like me. About five or six weeks into it, I sat there and realized that maybe 10 or 20 years ago, I would not have understood a lot of this. That is, not enough had happened in my life for me to understand the types of trials and pains that Beth described. The kind that Daniel endured, the kind that Christ endured. Beth talked about the down times in her life-times when she made mistakes. When I was much younger, I would have looked at my 40 year old self and thought-what a total idiot and a loser. But know, I understand that I have lived long enough to see both sides of life. I am just like everybody else; with all my imperfections. And there is still a place where I can go and feel like it's all okay. So often, I will be in a room filled with people and think-if these people really knew the things I have done....I don't even deserve to be here. I just feel like the worst person around. But then I remember these 2 or so hour sessions I have been to, and it feels like I am worth saving. Like other people might even feel like that too.

Am I the Bible study "type" No...I am not. But then, no one really is. And I love when I am there. I love hearing Beth Moore talk about human beings, and how none of us has it all together all the time. It is a journey. We will have good days and bad days. We will be tested. I know that a lot of the tough times in my life come along souly to remind me that it is worth it-I am worth it. And I just have to keep on going.....

The hands of time

Is it just me, or does it seem like time flies? I was going through my spices the other day-and canned goods, and some of the expiration dates made me seriously question my housekeeping skills. Time is really a fleeting thing. I sometimes feel all 40 of the years I have aged. And other times, it seems like the past was just a minute ago. I can remember being a little girl with pig tails, I remember random details from high school and college. I remember early days of marriage and my boys as newborn babies like no time has passed.

Christmas time is a big reminder of how time can change things for me. I loved it as a kid. I loved Christmas lights and the smell of fresh trees. I loved the anticipation of gifts and time off from school. As an adult, I enjoy my kids and I enjoy the spirit of giving and kindness, but honestly, I also feel a ton of anxiety. I worry about paying for everything-about meeting all these deadlines and commitments, about letting people down. I wish it wasn't so commercial. I wish I didn't feel so much pressure.

At its core, Christmas is a celebration of the birth of our savior. I never knew how much I needed a savior when I was a kid. I just thought Jesus was someone who was very nice to people-especially children-for no reason. I learned early on that people can be terribly unkind for no particular reason so Jesus seemed that much more intriguing to me. I didn't even have to earn His love and kindness. I wasn't raised Christian but every chance I got, I took the opportunity to learn about it. I always felt comfortable praying and at most of the churches I went to. It's as if we all had cloaks on that hid all our imperfections. No one seemed to care about the things I battled daily at school or at home. Everyone was just there to connect with Christ. I liked that, and I still do. And back then, my sins were much more simple.

This Christmas in particular, as I look over a troubled year in my life, and I think about what Christ is trying to say to me. My life has been such a shambles this year. I have screwed things up in about every way a person can. My first reaction is that I am just a failure-and that He is getting sick of bailing me out. But I have been thinking more on it, and what He is really saying is that I am worth the fight. I am worth saving. We all are, but I am hearing it loud and clear personally. I think years like this represent the true meaning of the sacrifice He made. It gives me some perspective. It tells me to keep going. And I don't always want to. Some days I just want to concede. I am not worth the trouble, I am a lost cause. But then I look at all the blessings in my life and I just know He is up there pulling for me.

I read a quote walking through a bookstore last month. It said,
"When you are going through hell......keep going"

And I liked it. I think it says a lot with very few words. It is what Jesus would say if He was standing here, and I know. He really wants me to keep going-not to give up on myself. And I am trying so hard.

Yes, it really IS greener

I was laid off earlier this year in May. Now it's been almost six months. Paul was certain that I would be miserable in no time-rightfully so, I worried I would be too. I can't think of how many times my perception of something I didn't have being better has not panned out (classic grass is greener). But you know what? This grass really is greener. I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE being a stay at home mom. I have never been busier, and I am completely stressed out about money, but I wouldn't change a thing.



It is not nearly as I had envisioned it would be. I thought my house would be cleaner, my days would be more predictable and that I might just be on top of things. I thought I would catch up on all those closets and rooms full of junk that need sorting out. I thought for sure I would blog all the time. I was going to get on top of the millions of pieces of paper and pictures I have from the kids. I was going to cook wholesome, nutritious meals all the time....the list just goes on and on. I will say, that during the summer months, I did get quite a bit of stuff done around the house. But since school has started, I have been completely stymied by the over-commitment and under-delivery that accompanies my new status of a mom who "doesn't work". Don't get me wrong, I LOVE it. But I see total irony in the concept of not working, when I feel like I never sit still-and I am never done with anything.



My life is a constant work in progress:

My house never looks like I want it to.

My kids always have something I need to be doing for/with them: playdates, sports, school work of one kind of another, outings, etc

I work in their rooms, I go on field trips, I serve on committees, I play with my kids

I signed up for Bible Study (which I have really enjoyed);

I still teach all my classes (5 times a week)and the gym and sub whenever I can at the kids' school

I do cook a ton more than I used to but the beautiful, delicious gourmet meals have taken a back seat to the things I can squeeze in along with what my kids will actually eat (which is whatever most closely resembles junk food from a fast food restaurant)

My kids have a lot of friends over, and do as much socializing as is possible-this is largley because I always said they would if I could be at home with them.





As I look back at some of the blogs I have written about balance in my life and the feeling of being so very unfullfilled and just an underachiever, I find that being home instead of working full time at a meaningless job has made all the difference in the world. Sure there are tough days and times when I feel utterly useless, but overall, I have never been happier in my whole life-or more grateful for the chance to watch my kids grow up. Let's just hope I can make it last.

The Yellow Leaf

This is the Mangrove Tree. I was recently in Key West, Florida, and I learned that this is the only plant that is indigenous to the area. Everything else was imported. The reason this tree was the lone life form prior to inhabitants of this lush, beautiful place, is because there is no fresh water source here. The only source of water (prior to the commercialization) was salt water. And this magical tree had a unique way of turning that salt water into fresh water: the yellow leaf. These designated leaves soak up all the salt water, allowing the rest of the tree to have fresh water. As the leaf gets saturated with salt, it turns yellow, then dies; and is replaced by another one. What an interesting concept.....


The plant kingdom isn't the only example of this type of sacrifice. Military, fireman, policeman, and many types of volunteers come to mind. It is a very special quality to be sacrificial. Jesus is the largest example of this very selfless act. And like any martyr, there are always people who do not appreciate it.

Exfoliate

spread by opening the leaves of

cast off in scales, laminae, or splinters

remove the surface, in scales or laminae

come off in a very thin piece

grow by producing or unfolding leaves; "plants exfoliate"

In my ripe old age of 40 (I am still getting used to that), I have gotten a little carried away with this whole exfoliating process. I had my first "microderm" abrasion treatment last month. The technician told me that as we age-our skin doesn't turnover the dead flakes as quickly so it is important that we exfoliate. And I have been doing just that-senselessly and relentlessly.

I have also found that there are some other areas of my life that could use some exfoliation. I suppose it is time I started thinking about what I am eating. In general, things that I crave are probably things I should not eat. I need to pay more attention to my caloric intake-and start eating the right foods. Ugh! As much as I exercise, there is no getting around this.

I also carry around some dead layers in my professional life. I have to find a way to remove that layer and get a fresh perspective-either do something new, or get a new attitude about what I am currently doing and do a better job. The only way to grow here is to remove those pieces. There is probably some scar tissue there from previous failures in my career, but I need to brush that off just like a skin treatment.

I have some friendships that have been exfoliated as well. Ever think someone is such a good friend and then it turns out that really wasn't the case? I have been on both sides of that lately. I let someone down who I thought was a great friend and in my search as to how I could do that, I realized she really wasn't a great friend. In fact, it was a very one sided relationship. I was always trying to gain her approval and acceptance, and she always kept me "at a distance" as she put it. She kept her guard up. I suppose on some level, I always knew that, and it really didn't feel that good. I noticed how I never got invited to anything with her, my calls/emails were always low on the priority list of being returned-if they ever were. I look back now and find that the only time I was even an option for her was if there wasn't a better one. And yet, I would have done anything for her. It is still every bit as sad that the friendship is a total loss. It does not make it better that I let her down, but it does make me see things a little clearer. People are not always what they seem.

And in my home life, there are lots of layers. After all, 19 of my 40 years have been with this man-my spouse, my friend, my critic, my fan, my playmate, my lover, my soul mate, my confidant, my nemesis, my other half, my co-parent, my partner, my everything... In those many years, lots of things have built up-and it's time to start working at clearing those. Oh we have been here before, and we have worked very hard at it, so I know it can be done. But, just like my 40 year old skin, it doesn't just stay done. You have to keep doing it. That can be so hard-especially with all the other demands on us from outside places. And I know he just wants to throw up a white flag sometimes in fear that it will never be done. And he is right, it won't. There will always be layers to exfoliate. Some worse than others. But that is just the process of aging-in chronology and in relationships. Really, in everything. It's the only way to grow and move forward. Neither of us is the person we met in May of 1991. We won't be the same in 19 more years. But with the same level of effort-successes and failures, I want to believe we will still be together. I don't know where I am going with this actually, I just seem to be in the mode to clear away dead layers that make me feel old and ugly.