The Blog

This is my own little diary. I call it talking to myself because that is pretty much what I am doing. Oh, I realize it is a public website. But seriously, who really wants to know what goes on in my head on a daily/monthly/yearly basis? Well, I was hanging out with my dear friend Michelle last night, and her take on it was rather moving. It seems she had happened upon some of her grandfather's letters (blogs of the day). And she was thrilled to be able to get just a little glimpse of the day to day things in his life. Especially now that he is gone. So just maybe a day will come when some form of my posterity has even a moderate interest in some of my babble.
I write when I am happy, and when I am sad. I write about things and people I love, as well as those that drive me crazy. I try to be honest and self analytical-I try and make sense of things as I work out my thoughts on a screen. I guess the reality is, it just makes me feel like I am getting things off my chest.
I have been trying very hard not to be a total downer around people. I can be suseptible to that sometimes. This blog helps me with that. And while Paul is downstairs glued to his relaxation device (a murder mystery and a Crown and Coke), I can be found up here hanging out with my thoughts. Some people like to read, or meditate, or like Paul, watch TV. I just like to hang with the keyboard.
Every once in a while, I think about trying to do this as a job-or at least as some form of income. But I am just not sure it could still serve that purpose if it became an obligation and no longer something I just do in my own space.
In any case, I hope someone someday can enjoy some of my rants. I know I have!

Keep On Keepin On

There is something so simple, yet quite complicated about that little saying, "keep on keepin on"

Basically, it just means get up and show up to life everyday.  But that's not so easy.  It sounds like it, and some days it is.  But a lot of days, it is not.  There are days when I feel so strong, like I could take on anything.  Even if nothing goes my way, I will go down swinging and won't regret a second.  There are days that are just the opposite. Even if something good happens, I can't get out of my own way and stop dwelling on the dark side of things. 

Then there are the days in between-which is mostly where I spend my time.  How do I know when I am just spinning my wheels?  How do I know when it is really worth it?  to dig down deep and never give up?  Can I stop holding on to things that make me feel bad?  Can I find self forgiveness?  Find the bright side?  Have an open mind?  Appreciate the wins-accept the losses?  Can I make a change?  Take control?  Challenge myself?  Be courageous?  Take a risk?  Believe in myself?  Look at something in a different light instead of jumping to conclusions?  Forgive someone?  Break bad habits?  See hope and beauty even in times of trouble?

Of course these are rhetorical questions, but they can apply to so many things in my everyday life.  I know the list goes on and on.  I know how to answer these things in my life.  But I don't do it.  Many days, I just ignore it.  I know why too.  It takes so much more energy.  Everything worthwhile is harder to obtain.  I guess if it was easy, it may not be so fulfilling.  I have accepted that so many wrong turns and disappointments, while at the time where terrible, have gone on to serve a bigger purpose in my life. 

So, what to do when at a crossroads, or when not sure how to go on?  I guess you just keep on keepin on....

The Rhetorical Question

Both Sides Now

Bows and flows of angel hair and ice cream castles in the air
And feathered canyons everywhere, i've looked at clouds that way.
But now they only block the sun, they rain and snow on everyone.
So many things i would have done but clouds got in my way.

I've looked at clouds from both sides now,
From up and down, and still somehow
It's cloud's illusions i recall.
I really don't know clouds at all.

Moons and junes and ferris wheels, the dizzy dancing way you feel
As every fairy tale comes real; i've looked at love that way.
But now it's just another show. you leave 'em laughing when you go
And if you care, don't let them know, don't give yourself away.

I've looked at love from both sides now,
From give and take, and still somehow
It's love's illusions i recall.
I really don't know love at all.

Tears and fears and feeling proud to say "i love you" right out loud,
Dreams and schemes and circus crowds, i've looked at life that way.
But now old friends are acting strange, they shake their heads, they say
I've changed.
Something's lost but something's gained in living every day.

I've looked at life from both sides now,
From win and lose, and still somehow
It's life's illusions i recall.
I really don't know life at all.

This is one of those songs I play when I am alone in the car.  There is something so melancholy about it.  I heard it when I was a young girl-maybe 12 or 13.  I liked it then, but I didn't know why.  I have always had very ecclectic taste in music.  It was not unusual for me to listen to a song like this-and then listen to Iron Maiden and hour later. I remember thinking the words were different (I thought clouds was clowns).  But even the words I understood-I really didn't understand.  Although the overall concept of seeing the bright side and the down side of everything is nothing new.  What was so different for me then from now-is perspective.  I have now lived enough and screwed up enough in my life to understand the true meaning of both sides.
Clouds were something as children we made into shapes...ice cream castles in the air....feathered canyons everywhere
I think clouds represent that everlasting wonder and love affair we have with those tings we can't explain.  It's that feeling that takes your breath away when you see a beautiful sunset, or hear the ocean waves crash down, or look off into the distance and see mountains or rolling hills or praires.  It's just a peaceful feeling.  Although you don't have to be a child to feel it, it seems as an adult we are far more likely to see that they block the sun, cause rain and snow....
And I have been that adult, but I don't want to be anymore.  I want to see  bows and flows of angel hair again.

Love was something that made you dizzy like a farris wheel; a fairy tale that comes true.
I wish I could bottle this feeling and keep it with me forever.  But love has a way of fading.  That exhilarating feeling of new love is unmistakable and irreplaceable.  It really does feel like you are going to explode.  There is no reproducing it.  And most everyone has had great pain caused by great love.  As adults, we are often jaded by the shattering feeling of that intense high turning into an intense low.  As children or young adults, we are more naive about it; and more willing to throw caution to the wind just to chase that incredible high.  As we age and experience some bumps and bruises along the way, we become more guarded.  People we love will hurt us, they will let us down...its just a show and if you care don't let them know.  The challenge is not be so scared of the pain, that we forego the pleasure.  It is my hope that love will always run through my veins-even when my hopes are shattered and my faith is tested.

Life was full of dreams and feeling proud
I can remember a time I never thought I could fail.  I thought I could do anything-I was confident, faithful, resilient, energetic, inspired-just full of life.  My career was productive, my marriage was so strong, my faith in God was solid, my fears were minimal.  I never worried about what mysteries life held, and what was yet to come.  I was ready to take on anything.
Sure, I had been through tough times, experienced adversity and weathered some storms.  However, once I reached about 35, all that changed.  So many things I never thought could happen to me-did happen.  And my entire 30's I spent picking myself off the floor only to get knocked down again.  Make no mistake, I was not always a victim.  I had plenty to do with things getting  broken-still do.  And I know that the trials aren't over.  I will face many more in my life.  The most profound lyrics to this song:  something's lost and something's gained in living every day.  I want to find that 20 something version of myself again.  I want to believe I haven't fallen too far to love.  I know I can still be that person-it never went away completely.  It just got misplaced. 

So, are these things just illusions when we are feeling all the good stuff?  That is more of a cup half empy or a cup half full type of rhetorical question.  That changes for me from time to time.  However, I believe it to be half full more often than not.  But I am chosing to look at things from this perspective:

Nowruz President Obama Celebrates Persian Holiday Nowruz IN ARABIC

This is an interesting perspective from a President whom has noticeably changed his attitude toward Iran and its leadership in the last 12 months.  I am not terribly active in following these events-however, from time to time I get an earful from my dad.  That is also especially odd since I really don't think he considers me a fellow Iranian.  Anyway, he showed me this clip, and I noticed as he watched and listened, there were tears forming in his eyes.  At that moment, it could have been a clip on people protesting peanuts, and I would have found it compelling.

Oh how I love it when....

Some of my life's greatest and simple pleasures:

• taking your ski boot off at the end of the day


• making every green light when you are in a hurry


• finding a great parking spot


• when there is no wait/no lines


• when something is on sale-and there is actually one in your size


• losing weight and not trying to


• a clean house


• fresh sheets


• a warm sunny day-with blue skies


• sleeping in


• sound of children laughing


• old friends


• new friends


• volunteering in my kids' classrooms-and knowing all the kids' names


• new socks


• warm blankets at the hospital


• actually finding something in the lost and found-seriously-now often does that really happen?


• bacon


• when I hear the garage open, and I know it's Paul


• cooking something that people really enjoy


• the smell of rain


• finding money in your pockets

Do I make you proud?

Children-regardless of gender or age, long to be someone their parents are proud of, or at the very least, not ashamed of. My mom is what I consider unconditional love in my life. Since the day I met her, she has had an open heart and an open mind. She has accepted my flaws and celebrated my strengths. She is my biggest fan-she will laugh with me, cry with me, and everything in between. Essentially, she is what love always meant to me. I have never really felt that way when it comes to my dad. I have never felt like I lived up to his standards, I doubt I ever will. No amount of money, no level of education, no accomplishments can ever measure up.

I was at Jackson's basketball party last Friday night. I was talking with Hunter's dad, Azeem. He and I share similar coloring (dark hair, dark eyes). We were talking about our heritage and what made our coloring so unique. He, like most people who meet me, would never have guessed Iranian-and first generation at that-heck, I lived there. And for the first time in my life, I realized, I was remorseful to the point of ashamed that no one can ever believe I am Iranian. And it occurred to me that I have effectively erased that part of my identity.

I spent so many years of my childhood wishing it away-the times I remember wishing I was Italian or Greek or Spanish-which are what most people think I am today when they meet me. I remember getting married and being so thrilled to get rid of my maiden name (Haddad). I have lost the ability to communicate in Farsi-although I spoke it fluently when I was 3 and stopped speaking when we moved back to the US when I was 7. Those are prime years to learn to speak, read, write, etc. There is no reason I should not be able to still communicate. I have zero friends that are Iranian. I have always felt like a black sheep (along with my brother, sister and mother) when it comes to the Haddad side of the family.

My father was someone I resented most of my childhood. He was always angry-never seemed happy or even present unless we were with other people that he was putting a show on for. He was hyper critical, he seemed to really hate my mom-and the three of us as well. Looking back, I don't think he was a kids kind of guy. I think his cross cultural marriage and subsequent offspring caused him great sorrow in life. I believe he should have married an Iranian woman and had perfect Iranian children. He resented us more and more as the years went on. He would not speak Farsi to us-that is when he even spoke to us. I remember he would get so angry when we talked at the dinner table, which is odd now that I have a family-it's one of the things I enjoy the most is hearing about their day. It seemed an easy and natural transition to eliminate the Iranian part of my being. My family from Iran certainly didn't care to include me-my own father didn't even consider me part of his culture or his family.

And that brings me to today, at 41, I find it very sad that I have eradicated that part of my heritage almost completely. I am sure through the eyes of a young child, the perceptions and the reality of the situation are rather far apart. But I do know this, growing up feeling unloved and unwanted has a lot to do with the way I tucked my culture away-never to let it come out again.

You are More

There's a girl in the corner With tear stains on her eyes

From the places she's wandered And the shame she can't hide

She says, "How did I get here? I'm not who I once was.

And I'm crippled by the fear That I've fallen too far to love

"But don't you know who you are, What's been done for you?

Yeah don't you know who you are?

You are more than the choices that you've made,

You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,

You are more than the problems you create,

You've been remade.

Well she tries to believe it That she's been given new life

But she can't shake the feeling That it's not true tonight

She knows all the answers And she's rehearsed all the lines

And so she'll try to do better But then she's too weak to try

But don't you know who you are?

You are more than the choices that you've made,

You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,

You are more than the problems you create,

You've been remade.

You are more than the choices that you've made

You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,

You are more than the problems you create,

You've been remade.

'Cause this is not about what you've done, But what's been done for you.

This is not about where you've been, But where your brokenness brings you to

This is not about what you feel, But what He felt to forgive you,

And what He felt to make you loved.

You are more than the choices that you've made,

You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,

You are more than the problems you create,

You've been remade

You've been remade

You've been remade

Now I can't take credit for this post-my dear sweet friend Carrie posted it to me on Facebook. It's things like these that remind me that God is watching, He is listening-and He is responding. These lyrics moved me. It is so easy to make everything about me-especially when I am feeling guilt and fear and saddness. But then I think about the big picture (with a little help-thank you Carrie); and it puts comfort where I have fear, it gives me relief where I have worry and peace where I have intense strife and self-hatred. I don't have to look hard-it's all around me. We are all battling and making our way there

This week in Bible Study, the book of Isiah had a verse that really gripped me:This is our everlasting God! Our Creator! He never weakens or grows weary. None of us can comprehend the depth of His righteousness. It is this powerful and mighty God who sees us and hears us! He gives us strength when we feel weak and empowers us when we are tired and worn out. Yes, “Those who wait upon the LORD will find new strength. They will fly high like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint.” – Isaiah 40:31

Giving me strength when I feel weak...ok, I just want to come out and say, I am really feeling tired and worn out. I feel so weak and it does not feel like I could run. But then I hear this song, and I read this verse. And I realized-I don't have to. And what a relief.