Unexpected surprises

When I first thought about the Lake Powell trip, I had it in my mind that it would be something similar to a weekend getaway in the mountains only on a lake. Well, I was quite off the mark. It was more than I could have ever imagined. It was such a unique and wonderful experience. It was everything and nothing I thought it would be at the same time. 

It never occurred to me that 12 people would be living on a boat together in close enough proximity that if you don't have a good mix, you could be getting into a lot more than you bargained for. Fortunately, it was a great mix for us. It felt like family almost immediately. I can't believe how lucky we got. But then I have been feeling that way about this ever-so-miraculous friendship with the Weisners for such a long time, that I am coming to realize it is neither luck nor an accident.

This amazing family is a gift from God to me. Ironically, this friendship started so tenuously as it was rooted in a previous failed friendship. I was so broken about it still and really wrestled with this incredible discovery. I was so excited when we found Declan. I had no idea it would blossom like it has, not just Jackson and Declan; but also for Tyler and Liam; Dan and Paul; and Shelly and me. I was still nursing my own guilt for costing my son his best friend. I felt like God was giving me a second chance. I just had to figure out a way to keep my own indiscretions from screwing this one up.

What I hadn't counted on was Shelly. She was the easiest person to get to know. And when it came down to it, my admission to her about why I had cost my Jackson his best friend was a no-brainer. Here I thought I would never admit that, but somehow I knew it was right. She accepted me for the lost soul I had become. I lived next door to someone for almost 10 years, our kids were inseparable, and yet I never really knew her. She always had her guard up. But in a few short months, I felt like I could totally see Shelly's heart. She knew my worst faults, and still she showed my love and compassion, and even welcomed me into her life. It blew me away. I really expected her to run from me.  Who wouldn't have?  I would have completely understood.  But she didn't. She stayed. She gave me hope.

Over a year later, I am thinking about all the little blessings that have been given to me like Shelly. The fact that I lost my job, my dream job as a fitness instructor materializing, the fact that I have been so humbled and humiliated, having to reach way out of my comfort zone, scratch and claw to save my marriage, and face my worst fears-all of these things are part of the plan. I have decided to forgive myself today. I have gotten the message, and I put it on the cross tonight. Sooner or later, we all have to look in the mirror. I want to love the reflection again. I want to believe I am still a good person. I want to understand that sometimes we fall down so that we can stand up. I want to appreciate the things God has done in my life, the good and the difficult. I want to have courage and strength were I have felt weakness and fear for so long. And I am doing it. Every hour, every day, every week. And it is so hard. But I am doing it.

Isaiah 40: 28-31 continues to find me in so many things I do...

The LORD is the everlasting God,

the Creator of the ends of the earth.

He will not grow tired or weary,

and his understanding no one can fathom.

29 He gives strength to the weary

and increases the power of the weak.

30 Even youths grow tired and weary,

and young men stumble and fall;

31 but those who hope in the LORD

will renew their strength.

They will soar on wings like eagles;

they will run and not grow weary,

they will walk and not be faint.

Things that will never be said

In my house, this is the kind of stuff I would love to hear sometimes, but never do.....

Oh, it's okay, you go ahead and take a break, I got it


Have I ever told you how much I appreciate you?


Sure your family has it's things, but doesn't everyone's?  It's not like you can do anything about it.


If it makes you happy, then I am on board.

I think it's great how much you love your Ipad.  That's why I got it for you.  We all have different ways of checking out, mine is watching TV.


Why don't you pick the movie this time?


How about we do something for you tonight?


I don't really like group x classes but I know how much you love it and how happy it would make you for me to show an interest in it, so I am going to try one


You look so tired, why don't you take a break. I will fix dinner and put the kids to bed.


Let's take Jake for a walk.


Sure, I can take both boys to practice/games.


I am going to spend one entire day focusing on the things about you that I love, instead of picking at you about your flaws.


I know you are a stay home mom but that doesn't mean I value you less, or that I think I am more important.  The job of raising kids and taking care of our family is vital.


Move over closer to me so we can cuddle.

No reason for calling, just wanted to say hi and see how your day is going.


You sure taught a bunch of classes today, how about a nice back rub?   


I need you to stretch me, but you don't have to do it right this second. And then afterward, how about I stretch you.


How about you sleep in, and I will get up?
I love you so much. I would do it all again

The hardest thing in the world....

If I could say the words

Ever just want to start a conversation with someone that you just know will go badly? So you just bottle it up and don't say a thing. There is a lot of power in words-and maybe even more in silence.  In fact, silence can be deafening. Many examples of this type of self control and strain come around on a weekly or at least monthly basis. It can be at work or with friends or mostly at home.

I am fairly confrontational. I speak my mind-and maybe to a fault. My husband is not. He expresses anger or frustration. He shows enjoyment and amusement. And the more light-hearted, the more likely. But when it comes to matters of the heart, he is a tight seal. Some of it is his upbringing, and some of it is just the man thing I guess. You would think after 20 years I would figure it out. And yet, I sit here tonight wanting so desperately to say something to him about how I feel.

I want to see I am sorry-as if it might help. I want him to know how much I hate that I have hurt him and other people I love.  I want to believe we will get past it.  I want to tell him I love him as much as I did 20 years ago when we met. I want to believe we can make the next 20 together. Even though I know these haven't all been easy years. I don't expect the next 20 will be either. But I sure hope they are with him.

The Blog

This is my own little diary. I call it talking to myself because that is pretty much what I am doing. Oh, I realize it is a public website. But seriously, who really wants to know what goes on in my head on a daily/monthly/yearly basis? Well, I was hanging out with my dear friend Michelle last night, and her take on it was rather moving. It seems she had happened upon some of her grandfather's letters (blogs of the day). And she was thrilled to be able to get just a little glimpse of the day to day things in his life. Especially now that he is gone. So just maybe a day will come when some form of my posterity has even a moderate interest in some of my babble.
I write when I am happy, and when I am sad. I write about things and people I love, as well as those that drive me crazy. I try to be honest and self analytical-I try and make sense of things as I work out my thoughts on a screen. I guess the reality is, it just makes me feel like I am getting things off my chest.
I have been trying very hard not to be a total downer around people. I can be suseptible to that sometimes. This blog helps me with that. And while Paul is downstairs glued to his relaxation device (a murder mystery and a Crown and Coke), I can be found up here hanging out with my thoughts. Some people like to read, or meditate, or like Paul, watch TV. I just like to hang with the keyboard.
Every once in a while, I think about trying to do this as a job-or at least as some form of income. But I am just not sure it could still serve that purpose if it became an obligation and no longer something I just do in my own space.
In any case, I hope someone someday can enjoy some of my rants. I know I have!

Keep On Keepin On

There is something so simple, yet quite complicated about that little saying, "keep on keepin on"

Basically, it just means get up and show up to life everyday.  But that's not so easy.  It sounds like it, and some days it is.  But a lot of days, it is not.  There are days when I feel so strong, like I could take on anything.  Even if nothing goes my way, I will go down swinging and won't regret a second.  There are days that are just the opposite. Even if something good happens, I can't get out of my own way and stop dwelling on the dark side of things. 

Then there are the days in between-which is mostly where I spend my time.  How do I know when I am just spinning my wheels?  How do I know when it is really worth it?  to dig down deep and never give up?  Can I stop holding on to things that make me feel bad?  Can I find self forgiveness?  Find the bright side?  Have an open mind?  Appreciate the wins-accept the losses?  Can I make a change?  Take control?  Challenge myself?  Be courageous?  Take a risk?  Believe in myself?  Look at something in a different light instead of jumping to conclusions?  Forgive someone?  Break bad habits?  See hope and beauty even in times of trouble?

Of course these are rhetorical questions, but they can apply to so many things in my everyday life.  I know the list goes on and on.  I know how to answer these things in my life.  But I don't do it.  Many days, I just ignore it.  I know why too.  It takes so much more energy.  Everything worthwhile is harder to obtain.  I guess if it was easy, it may not be so fulfilling.  I have accepted that so many wrong turns and disappointments, while at the time where terrible, have gone on to serve a bigger purpose in my life. 

So, what to do when at a crossroads, or when not sure how to go on?  I guess you just keep on keepin on....

The Rhetorical Question

Both Sides Now

Bows and flows of angel hair and ice cream castles in the air
And feathered canyons everywhere, i've looked at clouds that way.
But now they only block the sun, they rain and snow on everyone.
So many things i would have done but clouds got in my way.

I've looked at clouds from both sides now,
From up and down, and still somehow
It's cloud's illusions i recall.
I really don't know clouds at all.

Moons and junes and ferris wheels, the dizzy dancing way you feel
As every fairy tale comes real; i've looked at love that way.
But now it's just another show. you leave 'em laughing when you go
And if you care, don't let them know, don't give yourself away.

I've looked at love from both sides now,
From give and take, and still somehow
It's love's illusions i recall.
I really don't know love at all.

Tears and fears and feeling proud to say "i love you" right out loud,
Dreams and schemes and circus crowds, i've looked at life that way.
But now old friends are acting strange, they shake their heads, they say
I've changed.
Something's lost but something's gained in living every day.

I've looked at life from both sides now,
From win and lose, and still somehow
It's life's illusions i recall.
I really don't know life at all.

This is one of those songs I play when I am alone in the car.  There is something so melancholy about it.  I heard it when I was a young girl-maybe 12 or 13.  I liked it then, but I didn't know why.  I have always had very ecclectic taste in music.  It was not unusual for me to listen to a song like this-and then listen to Iron Maiden and hour later. I remember thinking the words were different (I thought clouds was clowns).  But even the words I understood-I really didn't understand.  Although the overall concept of seeing the bright side and the down side of everything is nothing new.  What was so different for me then from now-is perspective.  I have now lived enough and screwed up enough in my life to understand the true meaning of both sides.
Clouds were something as children we made into shapes...ice cream castles in the air....feathered canyons everywhere
I think clouds represent that everlasting wonder and love affair we have with those tings we can't explain.  It's that feeling that takes your breath away when you see a beautiful sunset, or hear the ocean waves crash down, or look off into the distance and see mountains or rolling hills or praires.  It's just a peaceful feeling.  Although you don't have to be a child to feel it, it seems as an adult we are far more likely to see that they block the sun, cause rain and snow....
And I have been that adult, but I don't want to be anymore.  I want to see  bows and flows of angel hair again.

Love was something that made you dizzy like a farris wheel; a fairy tale that comes true.
I wish I could bottle this feeling and keep it with me forever.  But love has a way of fading.  That exhilarating feeling of new love is unmistakable and irreplaceable.  It really does feel like you are going to explode.  There is no reproducing it.  And most everyone has had great pain caused by great love.  As adults, we are often jaded by the shattering feeling of that intense high turning into an intense low.  As children or young adults, we are more naive about it; and more willing to throw caution to the wind just to chase that incredible high.  As we age and experience some bumps and bruises along the way, we become more guarded.  People we love will hurt us, they will let us down...its just a show and if you care don't let them know.  The challenge is not be so scared of the pain, that we forego the pleasure.  It is my hope that love will always run through my veins-even when my hopes are shattered and my faith is tested.

Life was full of dreams and feeling proud
I can remember a time I never thought I could fail.  I thought I could do anything-I was confident, faithful, resilient, energetic, inspired-just full of life.  My career was productive, my marriage was so strong, my faith in God was solid, my fears were minimal.  I never worried about what mysteries life held, and what was yet to come.  I was ready to take on anything.
Sure, I had been through tough times, experienced adversity and weathered some storms.  However, once I reached about 35, all that changed.  So many things I never thought could happen to me-did happen.  And my entire 30's I spent picking myself off the floor only to get knocked down again.  Make no mistake, I was not always a victim.  I had plenty to do with things getting  broken-still do.  And I know that the trials aren't over.  I will face many more in my life.  The most profound lyrics to this song:  something's lost and something's gained in living every day.  I want to find that 20 something version of myself again.  I want to believe I haven't fallen too far to love.  I know I can still be that person-it never went away completely.  It just got misplaced. 

So, are these things just illusions when we are feeling all the good stuff?  That is more of a cup half empy or a cup half full type of rhetorical question.  That changes for me from time to time.  However, I believe it to be half full more often than not.  But I am chosing to look at things from this perspective: