My little TC

This is Tyler at a private horseback riding lesson.  It is unmistakable how animals take to Tyler.  He just has an intrinsic ability to connect with them.  Jake is our black lab, but really, he is Tyler's buddy.  Tyler was only 2 when Jake joined us.  They have a unique bond.  Tyler is also the most accomplished horseback rider in our family-at the ripe age of 7.  He is still just learning, but honestly, his lack of fear and level of comfort just blow me away.

I am so proud of Tyler for the baby boy he used to be, the little boy he is today, and the big boy he is becoming.  He continues to amaze me everyday of my life.  His creativity, ingenuity and intelligence never stop growing.  He is curious and inspired.  He is a scientist and an explorer.  He has an endless imagination and an unparalleled memory.  He has been able to assemble Legos and transformers for as long as I can remember.  He loves the outdoors-swimming, fishing, crawdad hunting-you name it.  I just don't know how Paul and I are the parents of this precious little gem.

I remember being so worried about him.  He has such a non-conforming disposition.  He has no interest in being the center of attention, having an audience or making headlines.  He just wants to do his thing. As he grows and matures, so do I; and I am learning from him.  He walks to the path of his own beat, and I embrace it more each day.  What a ride it is to see him growing up-and it's only the start.  I know the best is yet to come.

It is all equal

Favoritism....the practice of giving unfair, preferencial treatment to a person or group at the expense of another.

In families, this term gets thrown around a lot.  In my family growing up with my siblings; and now in my own household with my two boys.  I worry about it so much.  My oldest is such a people pleaser.  He is very easy to get along with, has a very kind heart and a soul that is older than his years.  He understands compassion, empathy, integrity and honesty.  He is a stunning athlete, which, like it or not, in this world goes a long way.  Oh, he has his moments, and he can be a little handful, but all in all, he certainly has the ingredients for the child who gets favored.  Mostly, because he wants to  be.  My younger son is quite different.  He is not as concerned with pleasing people, he wants to do what he wants to do.  He is often oblivious to empathy or compassion.  His affection and emotions are only offered to a select few people.  He is shy which makes him hard to get to know, almost making him seem rude.  Introverts always stress me out because I cannot decide what to do with them...do I try harder?  do I leave them alone?  am I annoying them?  am I excluding them?  am I over-thinking it?  He is also very prone to have nothing to do with things that his brother, father and I enjoy terribly-sports being the most notable.  He would much rather be alone than participate in most things we are doing.  His interests involve activities that do not always include people like playing with his toys by himself.  He can hang out in his room our outside by himself for hours.

But I love each of my boys just the same.  I would take a bullet for either one of them without even thinking.  It's possible favoritism is just wrapping paper for having more in common.  Having more in common does not have to mean anything more or less than that.  We weren't all meant to be exactly the same anyway-that's why God made us the way He did.

If in no other record than this one, I want my Tyler and Jackson to know how much I love and truly appreciate both of them.  I love each one of their unique and different talents and attributes.  They are God's perfect gifts to me; and I thank Him for them each and everyday of my life.

Road trips

The times have changed, and will continue to change.  But taking a trip with your family in a car for an extended period of time will transcend generations.  There is a picture that comes to mind for each person when you reminisce over those many hours spent getting from point A to point B.  It's no Norman Rockwell painting; and yet a milestone in the family album.

I do love to travel, well, actually, I love to be at the destination.  The getting there-not so much.  I know deep down that important bonding happens in those close quarters only a road trip can provide.  Some of the things that come to mind are sharing, comforting, entertaining, visiting, playing games, and compromising.  I also think about things like the foul smells, the constant getting lost, the incessant pleading "are we there yet?", the proverbial gas station bathrooms, the yoga-esque sleeping poses, and the complete lack of ability to distinguish night from day.

My 7 year old Tyler and took the road trip to Arizona, and met up with Paul and Jackson.  Then we all flew home.  Did I mention the driving part was with Paul's parents?  I love Paul's parents.  They have always been very good to me, treat me like their own daughter.  However, the older they get, the more their little quirks and idiosyncrasies start to wear on me.  For example, they might actually believe that Paul and I would be living in the streets without sense to get in from the rain without their constant direction.  In other words, it's possible they believe we are 12 years old.  The number of times both Tyler and I were instructed to put on our shoes, wash our hands, and put on our selt-belts was unbelievable. And then there was the constant bickering between the two of them over directions.  Traveling has a way of bringing out the worst in people at times.  And yet, as it gets further away in our memories, we tend to reflect upon the good parts.  Much like childbirth, the ability to forget the painful details is what makes it possible to do it again.

I don't know

It is such an uncomfortable feeling when you don't know the answers.  My kids think I know everything, but I feel like the meter is running until they figure out that I really don't know everything. My oldest is in the 5th grade, and I am already struggling to help him with homework.  Even if I can figure it out, I don't do it the RIGHT way.  You would think some things would never change-long division, fractions, etc.  Though the answers do, now the methods of getting there look different, therefor rendering me even more of a dinosaur.    

But that's just the beginning.  I cannot explain things like war, child abuse, birth defects, poverty or wealth, cruelty to animals, natural disasters, cancer and other diseases, etc.     

Sometimes I glad I don't know.  Maybe I just don't need to know.  An now it reminds me of a post I read on another blog a long time ago-before I started writing this one.  I do know one thing:  I know why people love babies so much.

You do not have to know the answers with babies.  Sure, you have no idea what you are doing most of the time, but the baby doesn't realize that. And sure, you are sleep deprived and smell like spit-up; but you do not have to explain why he/she was not invited to a birthday party, or why the other kids make fun of you, or why people get divorced, or what an alcoholic is, or why people are not always nice.  There are times you can just hold your baby; and it is as if time stands still.  I was a working mom when mine were little like that, so my most cherished moments were often in the middle of the night or early hours of the morning when I did not have to share.  Times when I felt like I knew all the answers-at least at that moment in time.  Watching my little boys sleep while I held them gave me a comfort that did not leave me questioning anything.

An naturally, as my two little boys grow up, that has gradually slipped away.  In its place is a whole lot of uncertainty and insecurity.  I wonder how I will manage some days.  Will they be okay?  Will they lead fulfilled lives?  Will my best efforts be enough?  Will my mistakes leave a mark?  Will Jackson grow eventually?  Will Tyler be comfortable around strangers?  I hate not knowing.  

Enough is enough

I have heard  couples refer to the term, ten-year plan in recent years.  What does that mean?  It's basically the waiting period where cowards like myself and my husband feel like we can wait it out until our kids are essentially old enough where a split would not be as detrimental to their childhood.  The plan assumes that once they have reached a certain age (in our case, 20 and 17), they are busy developing their own adult lives, and are hopefully less dependent on our foundation as a family.  In theory, that should work.  But the reality is, that foundation is a bit shaky isn't it?  What does that foundation look like for those 10 years?  If we are both counting the days?  And how does that really translate over to the posterity?  And yet, what are the alternatives?

I think my husband cannot stand the sight of me.  I think he is counting the minutes until I am no longer a part of his everyday life.  A divorce at these ages would certainly not facilitate that.  So staying together means he just tolerates me.  However, in cases where I try his patience, he has zero tolerance.  For example, when I forget something (all the time!) or misplace something(my keys) or just plain screw up (his cell phone on our trip to Arizona); his reaction is considerably more harsh than is reasonable.  Oh, I'm not saying he can't get angry with me, but there is a difference.  His reactions are quite far from those of someone who loves and accepts me-faults and all.  What I can't reckon, is whether it's my inherent character flaws that he hates so much the problem or does it just boil down to a basic lack of forgiveness, grace and compassion.  I remember that I once had to force myself to concede those very things in order to regain the once compromised feelings I had for him.  We have both been in each other's shoes, so-to-speak.  I don't advocate one of us is better than the other.  Perhaps I have just been there longer.  I have a few years on him when it comes to dealing with the pain of being let down and hurt by the one you love the most.  But I don't think so.  I don't think it will change.  And it scares me.  How does that really affect our kids?  Are we really doing them any favors?

I was getting dressed for a game, and my sweet friend Shelly was putting on my make up and doing my hair.  She kept going on and on about how beautiful she thought I was.  But I don't feel beautiful.  I never really have.  She went on to suggest that Paul thinks I am too-she says she can tell by the way he looks at me.  And I have not felt those gazes in so long that I am wondering if it was just a figment of my imagination.  How can others see something I do not feel?  And the strangest part is, I wasn't sure I felt that way about him either.  But then, out of nowhere, we were standing in the hotel lobby waiting on the elevator.  One of the housekeeping ladies was trying, unsuccessfully, to maneuver her cart into the elevator as a group of us just waited and watched.  After a couple of minutes, Paul took the cart gently and guided it with ease where it needed to go.  Then she looked up at him, and he just smiled.  Just a simple smile.

It was a smile I used to know.  One I have not seen for many, many years.  It actually took my breath away.  In that instant, he just looked like my Paul.  He looked so beautiful, so kind, so warm.  I  can hardly put it in words.  It was just that side of him I used to know that said, "I will take care of you.  You will always be safe on my watch."

Now I feel more like he is just existing to meet obligations and because he loves his boys.  And I understand that-I do.  I feel the same way sometimes.  And yet, I get these fleeting glimpses like that of what it used to be or what it could possibly still be, and I find myself wondering-are we just on the ten year plan now?  Are we just waiting it out until he can go find a younger, newer model-someone who has no mileage and who doesn't have the faults I do?  And I will go live in a condo in Aurora with a cat?

I don't know the answer to that.  I don't know a lot of things.  I do know that it is not what I want.  It is not the best option, even it if is the easiest one.  I do know that smile, and I would give anything to have it back.

Life's Irritating Mysteries

• So, if all the stalls are taken in a public restroom, it is acceptable to go ahead and use the handicapped stall.  Why is the same concept not okay for parking?  Especially if it is literally a quick trip and you have little kids in tow.
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• And speaking of parking, I hate when motorcycles take a parking spot.  And how irritating is it when some honking, hill-billy, dully truck takes up two spaces?  Or better, how about when you think there is a space, only to find that it is occupied by some tiny little car (like a smart car or a mini cooper). 
• Why do people run marathons?  I really don't get it.
• Drive thru liquor store?  Why aren't there more?
• Could windshield wipers be designed to cover more ground?
• Why don't sleeping bags roll up nicely?  Why even bother with those tiny bags they give you.  What you need is a bungee cord.
• When I order bacon, it's usually 2 slices, and it's never crispy-ridiculous.  And in recipes, it's always 3 or 4 slices-what is the point?  I always double the amount required, and same with cheese.
• Why is there a size zero?  Seriously, that is just silly.
• If the black box on a plane is indestructible, then why not make the whole plane out of it?  Or how about cars?
• I saw a concert a few months ago.  I don't go to them very often.  I knew I was getting old when it started to annoy me that there had to be so many encores.  Can we just go from start to finish?  What's with the encores?
• Why are old people always so early?  Especially to the airport.
• I like sushi, but I never crave it.  I mean, I have never though to myself, "man, I am starving, what I wouldn't give for some raw fish, wrapped in seaweed and sticky rice".  I am more likely the cheeseburger and fries girl.  I just don't get it.
• Why are there about 1000 options for toothpaste in the grocery store? 

Unexpected surprises

When I first thought about the Lake Powell trip, I had it in my mind that it would be something similar to a weekend getaway in the mountains only on a lake. Well, I was quite off the mark. It was more than I could have ever imagined. It was such a unique and wonderful experience. It was everything and nothing I thought it would be at the same time. 

It never occurred to me that 12 people would be living on a boat together in close enough proximity that if you don't have a good mix, you could be getting into a lot more than you bargained for. Fortunately, it was a great mix for us. It felt like family almost immediately. I can't believe how lucky we got. But then I have been feeling that way about this ever-so-miraculous friendship with the Weisners for such a long time, that I am coming to realize it is neither luck nor an accident.

This amazing family is a gift from God to me. Ironically, this friendship started so tenuously as it was rooted in a previous failed friendship. I was so broken about it still and really wrestled with this incredible discovery. I was so excited when we found Declan. I had no idea it would blossom like it has, not just Jackson and Declan; but also for Tyler and Liam; Dan and Paul; and Shelly and me. I was still nursing my own guilt for costing my son his best friend. I felt like God was giving me a second chance. I just had to figure out a way to keep my own indiscretions from screwing this one up.

What I hadn't counted on was Shelly. She was the easiest person to get to know. And when it came down to it, my admission to her about why I had cost my Jackson his best friend was a no-brainer. Here I thought I would never admit that, but somehow I knew it was right. She accepted me for the lost soul I had become. I lived next door to someone for almost 10 years, our kids were inseparable, and yet I never really knew her. She always had her guard up. But in a few short months, I felt like I could totally see Shelly's heart. She knew my worst faults, and still she showed my love and compassion, and even welcomed me into her life. It blew me away. I really expected her to run from me.  Who wouldn't have?  I would have completely understood.  But she didn't. She stayed. She gave me hope.

Over a year later, I am thinking about all the little blessings that have been given to me like Shelly. The fact that I lost my job, my dream job as a fitness instructor materializing, the fact that I have been so humbled and humiliated, having to reach way out of my comfort zone, scratch and claw to save my marriage, and face my worst fears-all of these things are part of the plan. I have decided to forgive myself today. I have gotten the message, and I put it on the cross tonight. Sooner or later, we all have to look in the mirror. I want to love the reflection again. I want to believe I am still a good person. I want to understand that sometimes we fall down so that we can stand up. I want to appreciate the things God has done in my life, the good and the difficult. I want to have courage and strength were I have felt weakness and fear for so long. And I am doing it. Every hour, every day, every week. And it is so hard. But I am doing it.

Isaiah 40: 28-31 continues to find me in so many things I do...

The LORD is the everlasting God,

the Creator of the ends of the earth.

He will not grow tired or weary,

and his understanding no one can fathom.

29 He gives strength to the weary

and increases the power of the weak.

30 Even youths grow tired and weary,

and young men stumble and fall;

31 but those who hope in the LORD

will renew their strength.

They will soar on wings like eagles;

they will run and not grow weary,

they will walk and not be faint.