The hands of time

Is it just me, or does it seem like time flies? I was going through my spices the other day-and canned goods, and some of the expiration dates made me seriously question my housekeeping skills. Time is really a fleeting thing. I sometimes feel all 40 of the years I have aged. And other times, it seems like the past was just a minute ago. I can remember being a little girl with pig tails, I remember random details from high school and college. I remember early days of marriage and my boys as newborn babies like no time has passed.

Christmas time is a big reminder of how time can change things for me. I loved it as a kid. I loved Christmas lights and the smell of fresh trees. I loved the anticipation of gifts and time off from school. As an adult, I enjoy my kids and I enjoy the spirit of giving and kindness, but honestly, I also feel a ton of anxiety. I worry about paying for everything-about meeting all these deadlines and commitments, about letting people down. I wish it wasn't so commercial. I wish I didn't feel so much pressure.

At its core, Christmas is a celebration of the birth of our savior. I never knew how much I needed a savior when I was a kid. I just thought Jesus was someone who was very nice to people-especially children-for no reason. I learned early on that people can be terribly unkind for no particular reason so Jesus seemed that much more intriguing to me. I didn't even have to earn His love and kindness. I wasn't raised Christian but every chance I got, I took the opportunity to learn about it. I always felt comfortable praying and at most of the churches I went to. It's as if we all had cloaks on that hid all our imperfections. No one seemed to care about the things I battled daily at school or at home. Everyone was just there to connect with Christ. I liked that, and I still do. And back then, my sins were much more simple.

This Christmas in particular, as I look over a troubled year in my life, and I think about what Christ is trying to say to me. My life has been such a shambles this year. I have screwed things up in about every way a person can. My first reaction is that I am just a failure-and that He is getting sick of bailing me out. But I have been thinking more on it, and what He is really saying is that I am worth the fight. I am worth saving. We all are, but I am hearing it loud and clear personally. I think years like this represent the true meaning of the sacrifice He made. It gives me some perspective. It tells me to keep going. And I don't always want to. Some days I just want to concede. I am not worth the trouble, I am a lost cause. But then I look at all the blessings in my life and I just know He is up there pulling for me.

I read a quote walking through a bookstore last month. It said,
"When you are going through hell......keep going"

And I liked it. I think it says a lot with very few words. It is what Jesus would say if He was standing here, and I know. He really wants me to keep going-not to give up on myself. And I am trying so hard.

Yes, it really IS greener

I was laid off earlier this year in May. Now it's been almost six months. Paul was certain that I would be miserable in no time-rightfully so, I worried I would be too. I can't think of how many times my perception of something I didn't have being better has not panned out (classic grass is greener). But you know what? This grass really is greener. I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE being a stay at home mom. I have never been busier, and I am completely stressed out about money, but I wouldn't change a thing.



It is not nearly as I had envisioned it would be. I thought my house would be cleaner, my days would be more predictable and that I might just be on top of things. I thought I would catch up on all those closets and rooms full of junk that need sorting out. I thought for sure I would blog all the time. I was going to get on top of the millions of pieces of paper and pictures I have from the kids. I was going to cook wholesome, nutritious meals all the time....the list just goes on and on. I will say, that during the summer months, I did get quite a bit of stuff done around the house. But since school has started, I have been completely stymied by the over-commitment and under-delivery that accompanies my new status of a mom who "doesn't work". Don't get me wrong, I LOVE it. But I see total irony in the concept of not working, when I feel like I never sit still-and I am never done with anything.



My life is a constant work in progress:

My house never looks like I want it to.

My kids always have something I need to be doing for/with them: playdates, sports, school work of one kind of another, outings, etc

I work in their rooms, I go on field trips, I serve on committees, I play with my kids

I signed up for Bible Study (which I have really enjoyed);

I still teach all my classes (5 times a week)and the gym and sub whenever I can at the kids' school

I do cook a ton more than I used to but the beautiful, delicious gourmet meals have taken a back seat to the things I can squeeze in along with what my kids will actually eat (which is whatever most closely resembles junk food from a fast food restaurant)

My kids have a lot of friends over, and do as much socializing as is possible-this is largley because I always said they would if I could be at home with them.





As I look back at some of the blogs I have written about balance in my life and the feeling of being so very unfullfilled and just an underachiever, I find that being home instead of working full time at a meaningless job has made all the difference in the world. Sure there are tough days and times when I feel utterly useless, but overall, I have never been happier in my whole life-or more grateful for the chance to watch my kids grow up. Let's just hope I can make it last.

The Yellow Leaf

This is the Mangrove Tree. I was recently in Key West, Florida, and I learned that this is the only plant that is indigenous to the area. Everything else was imported. The reason this tree was the lone life form prior to inhabitants of this lush, beautiful place, is because there is no fresh water source here. The only source of water (prior to the commercialization) was salt water. And this magical tree had a unique way of turning that salt water into fresh water: the yellow leaf. These designated leaves soak up all the salt water, allowing the rest of the tree to have fresh water. As the leaf gets saturated with salt, it turns yellow, then dies; and is replaced by another one. What an interesting concept.....


The plant kingdom isn't the only example of this type of sacrifice. Military, fireman, policeman, and many types of volunteers come to mind. It is a very special quality to be sacrificial. Jesus is the largest example of this very selfless act. And like any martyr, there are always people who do not appreciate it.

Exfoliate

spread by opening the leaves of

cast off in scales, laminae, or splinters

remove the surface, in scales or laminae

come off in a very thin piece

grow by producing or unfolding leaves; "plants exfoliate"

In my ripe old age of 40 (I am still getting used to that), I have gotten a little carried away with this whole exfoliating process. I had my first "microderm" abrasion treatment last month. The technician told me that as we age-our skin doesn't turnover the dead flakes as quickly so it is important that we exfoliate. And I have been doing just that-senselessly and relentlessly.

I have also found that there are some other areas of my life that could use some exfoliation. I suppose it is time I started thinking about what I am eating. In general, things that I crave are probably things I should not eat. I need to pay more attention to my caloric intake-and start eating the right foods. Ugh! As much as I exercise, there is no getting around this.

I also carry around some dead layers in my professional life. I have to find a way to remove that layer and get a fresh perspective-either do something new, or get a new attitude about what I am currently doing and do a better job. The only way to grow here is to remove those pieces. There is probably some scar tissue there from previous failures in my career, but I need to brush that off just like a skin treatment.

I have some friendships that have been exfoliated as well. Ever think someone is such a good friend and then it turns out that really wasn't the case? I have been on both sides of that lately. I let someone down who I thought was a great friend and in my search as to how I could do that, I realized she really wasn't a great friend. In fact, it was a very one sided relationship. I was always trying to gain her approval and acceptance, and she always kept me "at a distance" as she put it. She kept her guard up. I suppose on some level, I always knew that, and it really didn't feel that good. I noticed how I never got invited to anything with her, my calls/emails were always low on the priority list of being returned-if they ever were. I look back now and find that the only time I was even an option for her was if there wasn't a better one. And yet, I would have done anything for her. It is still every bit as sad that the friendship is a total loss. It does not make it better that I let her down, but it does make me see things a little clearer. People are not always what they seem.

And in my home life, there are lots of layers. After all, 19 of my 40 years have been with this man-my spouse, my friend, my critic, my fan, my playmate, my lover, my soul mate, my confidant, my nemesis, my other half, my co-parent, my partner, my everything... In those many years, lots of things have built up-and it's time to start working at clearing those. Oh we have been here before, and we have worked very hard at it, so I know it can be done. But, just like my 40 year old skin, it doesn't just stay done. You have to keep doing it. That can be so hard-especially with all the other demands on us from outside places. And I know he just wants to throw up a white flag sometimes in fear that it will never be done. And he is right, it won't. There will always be layers to exfoliate. Some worse than others. But that is just the process of aging-in chronology and in relationships. Really, in everything. It's the only way to grow and move forward. Neither of us is the person we met in May of 1991. We won't be the same in 19 more years. But with the same level of effort-successes and failures, I want to believe we will still be together. I don't know where I am going with this actually, I just seem to be in the mode to clear away dead layers that make me feel old and ugly.

Don't Let Me Go

There's some things we don't talk about

Rather do without

And just hold the smile

Falling in and out of love

Ashamed and proud of

Together all the while

You can never say never

Why we don't know when

Time and time again

Younger now than we were before

Don't let me go

Don't let me go

Don't let me go

Picture you're the queen of everything

As far as the eye can see

Under your command

I will be your guardian

When all is crumbling

Steady your hand

You can never say never

Why we don't know when

Time time and time again

Younger now then we were before

Don't let me go

Don't let me go

Don't let me go

We're pulling apart and coming

together again and again

We're growing apart but we pull it together

pull it together together again

Don't let me go

Don't let me go

Don't let me go

I am not sure what this song really means. I feel like if I read it at different times, it changes for me-and I am sure for anyone else too.

For today, I am thinking it talks about relationships such as a marriage. They can have lots of bumps and bruises. Some that involve embarrassment and shame. I know about these. They can also be a source of great pride; I know about these too. Younger now means we are continually learning new lessons. We get these ah-a moments. I don't believe any long term relationship exists without it. They all have moments when it is falling apart. Sometimes, we pull it together, sometimes we don't. The plea I hear in this song is the one I believe in. Don't give up. Pull it together. That seems to be the hard road. I know there are days when it would just be easier to let it go. I can see how that happens. I just don't want that to be me.

Enough said

And the truth shall set you free

Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it......Mark Twain

What makes good people do bad things? I have done things I am ashamed of. As I search within myself to figure out why and how to pick up the pieces from here, I am reminded that I have to be courageous and brave. I have to own my actions and accept my consequences. And that is so hard. I realize that being at rock bottom is not something that has never happened before, and maybe it will happen again. I do believe that people are not defined by the wrong doings in their lives, but how we react to them. Am I going to be a coward and run from it? Am I going to be strong and fight for those that I love? It is impossible to know the outcome right now but I do believe that what comes of my mistakes will ultimately lead to the right place. I cannot hide from it anymore.

Love is a curious thing. I have loved the same person almost half of my life. I expect to for the rest of my life. And I believe he loves me. However, the fact that we love each other does not secure that our actions will always be consistent with that love. Sadly, it does not guarantee that we will remain together. Compatibility and love do not always go hand in hand. While you can work together to find it, you both have to want it. And so it goes. Maybe you come through and it can be fixed; or maybe it won't. I don't believe that changes the love you have for one another. I am not sure there is a cure for that.

And being sorry does not bring forgiveness. In time, maybe the hurt fades. In time, maybe it gets easier. I have a lot more unknowns today than certainties. I wish so badly I could fast forward and see that everyone I love will be okay. My greatest hurt came from someone I loved deeply, and it was so hard to overcome. But what I am finding is that in hurting someone I love-it is not even in the same universe of pain. I feel so much worse than I did as the one who was hurt.

Once the truth is out, then the healing process can begin. For that I am free. I take some comfort in that as odd as it is. I don't know what happens from here. I just have to rebuild my integrity and my character. I am not sure how to even do that. I don't think there is a clear roadmap. I just know I have to do it. I have to stay strong and be thankful that God will forgive me even if no one else can.